Having to resign - as much as I don't want to 5

[Airforce2]

I moved to the USA about 12 months ago. I have loved it hear immensly. Loved the job, learning lots of new things and I just love the USA.

Devastating news... Wife and kids are not adjusting and cannot stay here any longer. In fact, they have tickets booked and are leaving in a few weeks. I am going to catch up with them early in the new year. I am totally devastated and cannot believe it is happening.

I have not told work this news. No contracts were signed, but a relocation bonus was given to me. I don't know how much time I should give them. They are a wonderful team of people, but I cannot pick how they will react to the news. I need to keep income going until at least next January. I will need to leave middle of January. As far as work and I were concerned, this was assumed to be a long term venture.

An Engineer friend has suggested that I approach them with the proposal to work for them remotely and just be real positive. I am finding it hard to be positive at the moment. Not happy about this at all! I want to stay here.

Any ideas on what sort of notice I should give? I want to leave with my head held high, knowing that I did the absolute best I could.

Thanks,

 

[TDAA]

It would likely be good to tell them that there are some issues. Not that you are leaving, but that the family is not adjusting well. Maybe let them know that they are planning on heading back home for a while.

I would have spoken up sooner on this, as it may have made a difference in getting adjusted. My wife is having trouble adjusting to our new place, and that is just across the state! I have been letting people know so that if they think of things to do (to get her out of the house since she works at home) they can let us know. Also, it helps with friend introductions and the like. Anyway, it sounds like the window for that has passed.

 

[Airforce2]

Yep, the door has shut on this deal, that is for sure! Hindsight is a painful thing... So many things I would have done different if I could have the time over again. We tried something like this several years ago and she got all homesick and we had to go. Silly me to try it again I guess.

Wife and kids fly out (with 1-way plane ticket) early December. Our rental lease on the house is ending end of this month, so house is being packed up. We are building a crate and then going to ship all the stuff "home" again.

Work has no idea. I even feel like it is too late to tell them that things are not going too well at home by this late stage. We have fought like cats and dogs over this issue and well she wins. In the end, the decision was made quick with not much time to get used to it. Tickets were purchased and I am still trying to get my head around it. I kind of knew it was coming, but at the end of the day I was hoping and trying to make it work.

When I tell work, they will be blind-sided... No doubt about that. I really appreciate all you guys sharing your opinions and thoughts on this. Some of you have had similar experiences. For that I am sorry. It has got to be one of the toughest things to go through and you really question a lot of things.

As I said, I am still kind of shocked it is all happening and I am trying to come to grips with the reality, let alone having to tell work.

I wondered before if I should wait until Christmas Eve, when they hand out the bonuses and I tell them then and hand back my bonus? I am a genuine kind of bloke, value integrity and really strive to do what is right in life. I know the right thing is to tell them as early as possible and work with them on what follows (even if it means paying back the relocation money given to me). I know I could be escorted out straight away and I could not afford that or it could be they are fully understanding and we can work together despite the sad situation.

I am really disappointed in myself for not telling them that there were some issues going on at home. They asked me how we were doing a few times over the 12 months, but it was just never really the time to say how it really was. I was also trying to fix everything at the time too and hoped it would turn around.

Now it is just going to come as a total shock and I am not sure how they will take that.

 

[trainguy]

Airforce2,

You sound very genuine. I wouldn't worry about what your company thinks of you. Tell them the truth, and your priority of putting family first. They're grown-ups, and they will not be devastated.

Any decent employer will understand. I suspect you may lose the relocation bonus, but heck, sh-t happens.

In 100 yrs, it's by your family that you'll be remembered, not by your employers...

Keep in mind, far worse things happen to people. e.g. Are your kids healthy? Can you get work back "home"? You got over a similar situation once, so I suspect you'll get over it again.

Things are only as bad as our reaction to them. Try to focus on the positive, you will get over this.

tg

 

[NomLaser]

You've been at the company for a year now. I doubt that anyone would even think twice about you getting a relocation package. You could also casually ask how the company took it when other people left suddenly to gauge how they might react with your news. (whether they let you stay on-board or if their typical policy is to escort them out upon giving their notice) That might help you decide when is a good time to tell them. As for the bonus, you earned it. It's not a bonus for continuous work into the next year.

 

[controlnovice]

Airforce2: What city and state are you in? A stint of mine in Houston and I felt the same.

Moved to the MidWest and within 2 weeks am being invited to neighbor's homes, had immediate help when a tree fell on the garage, people would stop and talk when out walking, etc...a very different experience.

PeterStock: What country are you from and what city and state are you in?

______________________________________________________________________________
This is normally the space where people post something insightful.

 

[PeterStock]

I am from the states, currently working in Puerto Rico. As this is US territory we get to do ITAR work for less than would be paid in the states.

Peter Stockhausen
Senior Design Analyst (Checker)
Infotech Aerospace Services

http://www.infotechpr.net

 

[Niwot]

I am the President of a small company (45 employees) and I have had people come and go over the years. I cannot speak for your employers, but you should hold your head high. You are talking about giving 4-5 weeks notice - this is MORE than adequate. I would totally understand and empathise with your situation if I were your boss.

I do think you should have shared some of your problems with your family's adjustment earlier (not too many details as this is somewhat personal), but I also understand what a difficult time you were having. Your boss should understand this - I would.

I agree with coloengs assesment 100%.

It's all about your kids. As hard as it is has been for you, PLEASE stop beating yourself up. You have your priorities straight and ANY boss worth his salt would understand this. If I were your boss and if you were to offer your bonus back, I would not take it - you earned it. I'd also say - screw the relocation bonus - just keep it (BTW,a 7K relocation bonus is not much).

When you do decide to put it all on the line ane tell your boss, do it with conviction and sincerity. You are a good man and your sincerity will show.

I would have been happy to have you at my company for a year and I would wish you the best. Employees can be replaced. Your family cannot be.

This is coming from someone who has experienced some tough losses (departures) over the years. You are putting the weight of the world on your shoulders - give yourself a break. Life goes on and your company will survive.

Please keep us updated on how this develops.

Jake

 

[thruthefence]

While not necessarily a 'contrarian view' because as everyone has stated here, Family should indeed come first in decisions.
However, what family purpose is served, if the OP returns home, and is unable to find adequate employment? Sit around the house on the dole, or maybe worse take a job far below his training & intellect? Not conducive to a happy home life. It takes two to tango in a marriage, and hard decisions sometimes have to be made. I personally have seen this problem from both sides, and you have no idea how much better life can be with a supportive spouse. (by this I mean a real marriage partner, not a "submissive", servant-to-the-lord & master type.)

I certainly mean no disrespect to the wife in this. She surely has has her hands full, raising kids in a strange country.

I do wish the OP all the best of luck in the future, he sounds like a fine,conciencence person. I hope it all works out.

 

[TDAA]

Another reason I would not worry about the relocation bonus is that you are going back “home”. If your time at the company was shorter, and you used them to get to that location and jumped to a competitor, that would be different.

That is why there is typically a “contact” for the bonus – so that they do not pay for you to come to the area and work for the competition. Your move is not working and you are going back. They can hardly say you are using them unfairly.

 

[SNORGY]

I dunno, Airforce2...

What has worked for me is sticking to the belief that ultimately there is only one loyalty that matters.

You are in the best position to assess how much of the angst at home is home-sickness and how much of it is that they're just plain not liking where you guys are at. Assuming your marriage is sound and your kids love you, if they are that unhappy, I wouldn't let things weigh too heavily on your mind at all. The only thing I would be inclined to do differently is come clean and tell your employer sooner rather than later, and give *lots* of notice.

Within the past two years, I left a job where I wasn't especially happy, and as far down the road as I could see, things didn't look like I was going to ever be happy in that role, so I gave them *four months* of notice (I knew it was a difficult position to fill).

Even where I am at now...if the choice ever came down to "engineering" versus my "life away from work" I'd be outta there.

Hug your kids, kiss your wife, pet your dogs...if you need money, you can get *that* anywhere.

Regards,

SNORGY.

 

[patprimmer]

A few thoughts occur to me that are probably no help and are somewhat contradictory.

1) Family first is a two way street and we really have no idea how hard your wife and kids have tried to support your career before they pulled the plug and the rug.

2) Your boss should understand and respect the fact that you give the maximum notice, however this cannot be guaranteed. In every case where I resigned, the company asked me to stay on as long as possible, but I have in a position where tow of my subordinates gave me extra notice only to be told by my boss to finish up early because it was more convenient for the company if they finished at the end of the month rather than the middle of next month. One was pregnant and the other was moving interstate because of her husbands career.

When I resigned from that company, I gave them the mandatory minimum one weeks notice and not the customary pay period notice which in this case was one month on the eve that I was leaving for four weeks holiday. I explained that my reason was due to the poor way they treated my subordinates when they had done the right thing by me and the company.

3) There is no place like home, and while you are engaged with your career and colleagues, your wife was at home and bored and missing her family.

4) Australia is a place where many people are reluctant to leave. It is notorious for the fact that when multinationals send their high flyers here to gain experience in the international circuit to fast track their career path, they get an unacceptable drop out rate here as the expats choose not to take the next move if they can find an option to stay in Aus.

5) Aus is a very easy place to live and while on the surface is quite similar to the USA and the UK, attitudes and culture are quite different in a few significant details. When we travel, conduct that is normal, or even frank or honest or friendly in Aus, is seen as disrespectful, brash or rude in many other places.

Regards
Pat
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[hokie66]

Airforce2,
It may make it easier on your employer if you allow them some flexibility in your leaving date. My family and I have moved from US to Australia, Australia to US, and back again to Australia. Twice this involved a time of separation from my wife and children, as either I went ahead to start work while they finished school, or they went ahead to start school while I finished work. Eight months was the longest, with one quick trip between. We made it work, and I imagine you can as well.

 

[Airforce2]

I wanted to say thanks to everyone for their thoughts and comments. I have appreciated each and everyone of them, thank you.

Is the general consensus that I tell work ASAP? My wife and kids leave in 3 weeks and I imagine I will feel very awkward telling them after the family has left. This is a bummer of monumental proportions and I am never good at breaking this sort of news. Nearly need to take a valium before telling my Supervisor type deal. I am feeling a lot of angst with this whole thing. I know it is going to be a shock and awe situation when I break it to them and I am dreading that.

My wife gave things a decent go here I guess. She came here for me, we sold everything in Australia and shipped what we kept, so this was meant to be a semi permanent move. Some time over the 12 months, my wife started to become very depressed. We live in an area where people are so unfriendly. It is something that we have never ever experienced before. Nobody is interested in us as much as we have tried to be social. This has dragged my wife down and our kids are starting to feel the effects now. Along the way I tried to change things in various ways, but it seems this whole Southern culture in this particular area just does not mesh with my wife who is distinctly Aussie. I am Australian, but I love the USA and it's people. This area is not very nice though and I would say it is not the typical USA (I can only say this from my experience based on traveling all over the USA). Anyway, she has just gotten to the point now where she will just sink into depression very deeply if I insist we stay. Moving to another area here is no longer an option. It is just at the point where I have no choice really and that is not a nice place to be.

I really enjoy my job, the variety and they are a great bunch of bloke to work with. I am learning lots each day from "Veteran" Engineers that would run rings around their Australian counterparts. Leaving the USA is hard because I leave a job I love, the life I love and some hopes and dreams.

This is the second time we lived here. Last time my wife had a teaching contract and we lived here for 2 years (different part of the state). I wanted to stay on longer as I got into a good job, but wife wanted to go after our son was born. I guess part of the coming back here was she wanted to make it up to me and try to make living here work.

In Australia I still operate my business (just a one man show with a couple of sub-contractors for larger projects). While projects in Australia are very quiet right now, it should not be too hard to scale the work load back up to full capacity again.

I am still trying to accept what is happening and even hoping that wife will get back to Australia and want to turn around and come back.

Thanks guys!

 

[Airforce2]

Niwot;

Thanks so much for your e-mail and thanks so much for the kind words.

Your e-mail struck a cord with me. I guess at the end of the day the world will not end. My situation is that I don't have a choice with what is happening (kind of do, kind of don't if you know what I mean).

Thanks,

 

[Airforce2]

Patprimer and Hokie66;

Your knowlege of Australia sounded good. Australia is a very laid back easy going place. Ever since I was a child, I held the USA in very high regard and wanted to live here. I just really like it here (not necessarily the City we live in right now). It is a vibrant and happening place. Engineering wise, I have the opportunity to work on a whole lot more diverse projects and gain some very good experience as well as work with some really nice people. I feel that I am treated very well at this Firm too.

My desire to stay here is fueled by two things I guess. 1 - The USA way of life and 2 - My career.

Sadly, my family does not share the same desires.

Hokie66; What was it like bouncing back between Australia and the USA that many times? Was it career based decisions to do that, or were you trying to decide what Country to live in? That must have been a hard transition?

 

[Airforce2]

Ok, I think I am going to break the news to the Firm this week. My wife leaves soon, house is mostly all packed up and I just feel like I am being dishonest and ripping them off. I am not totally sure that my timing is right, but at the end of the day I want to be ethical and upfront with the company. I am ticked at myself for not giving my Supervisor some indicators of problems earlier than this, but I will have to live with that.

Here is my plan...

1. I will e-mail my Supervisor and request a meeting. I will indicate that the meeting is urgent and we need to meet in private. I will just say briefly that there is a problem with things on the homefront and my tenure here. Our office is open plan and I need to get him along to talk. He is also stretched very thin and it is hard to get him alone.

2. I will tell him the whole situation and what is happening. I will tell him that I wanted to tell him sooner, but my wife and I have fought like cats and dogs and I have tried very hard to talk her around. In the end it is a mess and she is leaving.

3. I will express my interest in continuing to work for them up until end of January and that I need to due to finances as well as wanting to finish off current projects. I will also ask if I can continue to work remotely after that with me being available to make trips back to the USA if they need me to.

Does any of this sound good or bad? I would appreciate some feed back.

I know that I am doing the right thing by going (for the sake of my family), but it is still a very hard thing to do and I am not all that happy about it. I wish it could be another way.

Thanks again for all the replies on this post and various opinions, advice and just sharing of life's experiences.

It is greatly appreciated.

 

[hokie66]

Airforce2,
No, it wasn't a difficult transition for me. I married an Australian girl, we had two children while living in the US for the first 8 years of our marriage. We moved to Australia in 1982, partly because my wife's mother was ill and partly for an adventure. The move back to the US in 1992 was always intended as temporary, just for one project. Then back to Australia for good (Brisbane this time) in 1994. No regrets. Good luck.

 

[Airforce2]

Hokie66;

Ah, Brissie (Brisbane)... That is my old home town.

As of this time, we have tried the USA thing twice and it has just not worked for my wife.

International moving can really take it out of you, so I am glad it worked well for you.

Thanks,

 

[patprimmer]

I probably have a reasonable idea about life in Aus as I was born and raised in and about Sydney and have travelled nationally and internationally on business for many years and as I worked for mostly large multinationals at a reasonably senior level, I had a lot of exposure to colleagues based in various parts of the world and to expats transferred to Aus on a "temporary" posting.

Regards
Pat
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[Airforce2]

I am sitting here at the end of my lunch break trying to get ready for the news I am going to break to my Supervisor. I plan to do this either Thursday or Friday this week. Before I do, does this sound like the best time?

This is a very hard thing to do and it is going to take a lot to psych myself up for the "meeting".

Thanks,