New engineer feeling like failure 18

[huskybuilder]

I'm having an extremely difficult time at work right now, guys. I'm a little over a year into my first job after college. I graduated with a civil engineering degree and am working as a field engineer. Right now I'm administering a state transportation contract and have never felt more incompetent or like more of a failure. The job was only about $500,000 to begin with, but the project is running way over budget (like 20%). I'm having to learn ALL of the state reporting/materials/documentation/specs all at once and try to pull the project together.

Besides trying to actually learn how this type of project is built, I'm expected to do all of the paperwork necessary. I literally spend about 15-16 hours every day, and usually about 12 hours each weekend trying to seem like I somewhat know what I'm doing.

I'm trying as hard as I can but it's still not good enough. Sometimes, trying our best just doesn't cut it. I was valedictorian in HS and magna cum laude in college, but I realize book smarts don't always equate to ability either. I like to think this type of work just doesn't suit me, but how bad I'm failing makes me question my engineering judgment overall.

So what are people's thoughts? Are these kinds of mistakes and stumbling blocks common, or is my ability as an engineer questionable? I just can't continue failing like this. My confidence is rock bottom and that further degrades my ability to make decisions...

 

[msquared48]

Personally, I do not know how you can "administer" something you have never had any experience designing outside of school, if even there.

State paperwork can be a headache, but that should come with time.

Mike McCann
MMC Engineering
Motto: KISS
Motivation: Don't ask

 

[GregTirevold]

Did your employer train you how to do all these things they are asking you to do or was it a sink or swim type arrangement? Sometimes management doesn't have a good grasp of what engineers can and can't do, unless they are also engineers themselves, and subsequently they get unrealistic expectations about what a single person can accomplish.

Are you having trouble understanding what you are supposed to be doing or just having trouble finding the time to actually do it? Learning new specs and requirements while actually trying to use them under a deadline can be a hair raising experience for the timid.

What are your supervisors or co-workers saying? Did they think you already understood how to run this type of project or was this supposed to be your learning endeavor? I don't know how civil engineering projects operate but isn't there someone above you who should be answering your questions and overseeing the project?

http://www.linkedin.com/in/gregtirevold

 

[abusementpark]

Sometimes, trying our best just doesn't cut it. I was valedictorian in HS and magna cum laude in college, but I realize book smarts don't always equate to ability either.

Being drastically thrown to the wolves is enough to make anyone second guess their abilities, but don't fall into that trap. You are obviously an intelligent young man, so keep your head up and keep fighting.

Please elaborate further on your supervisor situation and whom you report to so we can better assess your circumstances.

 

[DoTheMath]

Good advice from abusementpark. I'd have a similar question - what does your supervisor suggest you do to get your arms around this?

 

[zdas04]

You know, I'm probably the worst person on eng-tips.com for saying things like "get over yourself and get the job done" and other inspirational tripe. But I'm not going to say that here. Actually, I have never known an engineer who has not at some time felt too small for the job he was asked to do. We've all done it. One day you'll notice that that you ended the day without feeling like you hindered the project. One day you'll be able to answer a question with the confidence that the answer was "good enough", and it is down hill from there.

I've found that the hardest concept for new engineers is "good enough". We live in an imperfect world and questions with "right" or "wrong" answers get dealt with by other people. Our choices are usually between an option with 50 positives and 70 negatives (none of which are definitely life threatening) and another option with 120 positives and one really awful negative. Making the choice that advances the project without putting a worker or the public at risk is why we make the big bucks, but the options are never perfect.

I've been doing engineering for 30 years and still figure that any day I don't learn something is not as good a day as it could have been. Good luck to you.

David

 

[huskybuilder]

Thanks for the responses guys. I have a supervisor that has been doing this for quite a while that I report to. He is running a different project though that consumes all of his time, so basically everything has been pushed to me on this project. I think they are assuming this is a learning endeavor for me. I don't know how they could think otherwise.

He answers questions and is very knowledgeable, but there's so many things I miss reading about that he doesn't tell me about until after it's done, so I spend time going back and redoing them or what not.

This company has been sink or swim since I started. They threw me out on a couple projects last summer, only it was city contracts, so now all of this state stuff is new to me again. On this I have a lot higher powers to report to, so any mistakes I make are scrutinized by the state auditors. The stakes are a lot higher. Part of the reason this project is so over budget is because of design errors and simple omissions that really add up in cost, but it's easy to look at it as things I'm doing wrong because I'm so inexperienced. It is a combination of things, really.

zdas04: AMEN! That is exactly how I feel every day! I'm a perfectionist, which I realize can be a good trait sometimes but oftentimes is just a hindrance. I'm constantly forced to decide what's 'good enough' and often find myself second guessing decisions I have to make quickly. I do feel like I'm a hindrance to the project, and that's a frustrating feeling.

It might sound crazy, but I don't even mind these situations as much for what it puts me through. I think I'm growing as a person and as an engineer. Rather, it worries me more that I'm doing a disservice to the client or taxpayers when I'm forced to make these decisions that I haven't dealt with before. My biggest fear is that someone looks back on what I've done and think, "What the heck was he thinking? This was an obvious choice."

 

[tygerdawg]

The Smart Man recognizes what he doesn't know.
The Wise Man knows how to ask for help.

I suspect with Valedictorian/MagnaCumLaude you've never been faced with the possibility of real failure. Gaining humility is usually painful, but well worth it. Failure ain't so bad, the true measure of Worth is how you recover from it. You're young enough to bounce back from almost anything.

A Wise Friend helped me put it all into perspective once upon a time. After it blew up in our faces and we had a terribly embarrassing mess on our hands, he turned to me and said:

So, whatcha gonna do NOW, College Boy?

It'll be fine. Get on with it.

TygerDawg
Blue Technik LLC
Virtuoso Robotics Engineering

http://www.bluetechnik.com

 

[Ron]

huskybuilder...My experience is similar to David's with a couple of years tacked on.

One thing I've noticed over the years is that the young engineers who are put into "sink or swim" situations are usually those that their supervisors are fairly sure will grow from the experience. It is not in your supervisor's best interest to let you sink...his reputation depends to some degree on you and it doesn't sound like he's a slacker...just wrapped up.

Most of us here in the forums who have a bit of gray hair can say "Been there, done that" and most of us would agree that we got better as a result...either positively or negatively!

I applaud your tenacity and perseverence. Both will serve you well in your career. Gut it out and you might be surprised that at the end someone will say "You did a better job with that mess than anyone expected!"

Good luck and stay on the track you've laid. It seems to be a good one.

 

[graybeach]

Working 15-16 hours on week days and 12 hours on weekends it too much! It's a terrible situation for you. I never had it that bad, but I sometimes bite off more than I can chew and end up regretting it. It's important to learn how to say no, not just for your own good but for the good of the project. You are not at your best working that much.

Too late for that now. So, what do you do? Letting go of perfection, as previous posters have advised, is a great start. I would also add that you should start documenting the goings on. Take time to prepare a daily or weekly report that outlines the progress and lists the outstanding issues and difficulties. Make it as concise and as readable as possible, and make sure it's not whiny. Submit them to your supervisor regularly. Make the issues his or her problem and less yours. You are just one year out of school and should have more support. After this, just do your best and let it go. You should also place some reasonable limits on the time you spend working. Your time is valuable, and you need to have a life.

 

[KirbyWan]

huskybuilder,

You do not have the support you need. But o.k. who does. I understand having a huge project dumped on you right out of the gate. I want you to remember two things.

1.) You feeling like a failure is a good thing. All those people who really are failures, don't know that they are failures. That you can sense it and it bothers you says you care, and you will get better with time. You would get better faster with better supervision, but even without you will muddle though and become a great engineer. zdas04's description of growing into a competent engineer is spot on.

2.) You are spending too much time hacking away and not enough time sharpening the axe. If it's paperwork that's getting on top of you, hire someone to help with the paperwork. If you can't hire someone, deputize someone who already works for you and delegate to them. You don't have to do it all yourself and you might even find someone who knows the paperwork shuffle and can teach you. The important point is you need to free up your time so you can relax, or you and your work quality will suffer.

Beyond these two points remember, you may not do the best job, but you are doing the best you can do, which for being thrown to the wolves is the best your company can expect. And that is probably good enough. As you grow as an engineer your good enough will get better. Keep up your spirits and don't stop believing in yourself. You are doing a good job.

-Kirby

Kirby Wilkerson

Remember, first define the problem, then solve it.

 

[KENAT]

You're doing 80 hrs or so a week, presumably only getting paid for 40, and you're worried that you're ripping off the tax payer? Your company might be ripping them off, pawning off an inexperienced guy on them, but I don't think you personally are.

I've felt overwhelmed many a time in my career, not just right at the beginning but even later when given a new task or role I didn't have much of an idea about. I generally just muddled through best I could, and usually did OK, though there's one arguable failure that comes back to haunt me now and then.

However, even on this it's basically been accepted that my company was trying to do too much too quickly and that was the root of the problem, even though I've beaten myself up about it.

Sometimes, it really isn't your fault when things go wrong.

As Zdas says you have to learn when good enough, not perfect, is good enough. Then you need to calibrate what you consider good enough!

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[ewh]

Zdas is mellowing... and deserves a few stars for his excellent post.

"Good to know you got shoes to wear when you find the floor." - [small]Robert Hunter[/small]

 

[stanweld]

A significant problem that people with new management responsibilities is the inability to delegate or determine who on the job can truly help them. Do not be afraid or too proud to question subordinates or State representatives regarding requirements & work methodology. Assign subordinates additional responsibility. You may be doing too much on your own!!

 

[KENAT]

Not sure about others here, but when I was bottom of the barrel new guy, there wasn't anyone to 'delegate' to. Maybe it's different for the OP in which case good advice. However, when I started out a lot of the stuff I got had been delegated to me, and I was the bottom rung.

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[xnuke]

I recently had a student come to me and say that he felt overwhelmed. I told him "Welcome to the natural state of an engineer!" However, I agree with the others that you are working too hard and need to get outside assistance. You were not prepared by your company to take on an assignment like this by yourself at your experience level.

Finally, please remember to take some time to unwind on a regular basis. It sounds like you need it.

xnuke
"Live and act within the limit of your knowledge and keep expanding it to the limit of your life." Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged.
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[ash9144]

Unfortunately in todays economy everyone runs very lean and new grads can be put in spots like this. I would guess your company believes in your ability and trusts that you can accomplish the desired results. I would also guess they expect you to be able to do the engineering side of the project. However they also should realize you don't know everything. Don't be afraid to ask the older guys for help/advice. Often us older engineers forget that you don't know certain things that we take for granted.

Your company should have a compliance officer or someone specializing in state permitting and requirements. You should lean heavy on this person for help with at least this aspect.

 

[dgowans]

Take time to prepare a daily or weekly report that outlines the progress and lists the outstanding issues and difficulties. Make it as concise and as readable as possible, and make sure it's not whiny. Submit them to your supervisor regularly.

In addition to making sure your report doesn't sound whiny, always make sure that you report the good with the bad. Showing that you are making progress despite the issues that are present will lend credence to your reports while also making you look better. Don't overstate the situation in either direction - a clear, objective summary is best.

 

[Brooklyn8NY]

Ask for help. This isn't a homework assignment where you have to do all your own work. No one should work 16 hour days. You will burn yourself out in a hurry. Talk to your boss. And 20% over budget on a $500K job isn't too bad. $500K hardly buys anything these days.

 

[spongebob007]

I am wondering if this sink or swim is really a good thing. To me it sounds like you have been given a task that is over your head and beyond your abilities, so don't feel like a failure.

We work on some pretty sizeable contracts and there are a lot of requirements and specifications. Even for a senior guy, this can be daunting. But here we would not put an engineer with one year of work experiene in the position of being the lead engineer on a major project. We might give a new guy a very small project to handle, but for a large project, a new guy would be assigned to work under a senior engineer, and the senior engineer would assign tasks and review the work of the junior engineer. The greenest engineer we have put in place as a project lead had five years experience out of school.

I guess what I am saying is the choice is up to you. You are not a failure as an engineer, you are just being asked to do something that should probably go to someone with more seniority. If you think this will benefit you in the long run, suck it up and get it done, if not, maybe it is time to start looking for another job.