New engineer feeling like failure 18

[huskybuilder]

I'm having an extremely difficult time at work right now, guys. I'm a little over a year into my first job after college. I graduated with a civil engineering degree and am working as a field engineer. Right now I'm administering a state transportation contract and have never felt more incompetent or like more of a failure. The job was only about $500,000 to begin with, but the project is running way over budget (like 20%). I'm having to learn ALL of the state reporting/materials/documentation/specs all at once and try to pull the project together.

Besides trying to actually learn how this type of project is built, I'm expected to do all of the paperwork necessary. I literally spend about 15-16 hours every day, and usually about 12 hours each weekend trying to seem like I somewhat know what I'm doing.

I'm trying as hard as I can but it's still not good enough. Sometimes, trying our best just doesn't cut it. I was valedictorian in HS and magna cum laude in college, but I realize book smarts don't always equate to ability either. I like to think this type of work just doesn't suit me, but how bad I'm failing makes me question my engineering judgment overall.

So what are people's thoughts? Are these kinds of mistakes and stumbling blocks common, or is my ability as an engineer questionable? I just can't continue failing like this. My confidence is rock bottom and that further degrades my ability to make decisions...

 

[csd72]

A star for you magneticdave - it must be your magnetic personality!

 

[DonEEUS]

Be careful of state paperwork sucking the life and profit from you and your company. You have to deal with these people and they have no problem requiring you to work for them instead of your company. I have seen government employees just suck the profits and time from a project when the contractor should tell them to screw off. They are payed by taxpayers and could care less. Just give them enough to get them off your company's back and concentrate on getting the job done at a quality rate and cost which will satisfy your company. They are giving you the OJT by immersion method. So you conquer and divide your problems. Learn stall tactics for government paperwork and do the Engineering and but protect your company bottom line and your reputation. Be thankful you have a job. I have 30 years experience but in another field and government employees are all the same.

 

[Mr168]

Just remember, if you were doing THAT bad of a job, they'd have run you off by now.

Heck, $100k over budget? We do that in an afternoon...

 

[tph216]

I've just read this whole thread just now, and it's very interesting. I'm 26 and have 6 years experience in 'engineering'. Only this past 18 months with an in-depth employer where I've really been pushed close to my limits, though.

Prior to this, I hadn't really failed anything before (except my driving test, but that's another story). So there are parallels to your situation.

The reason I'm posting is that I think I've become burnt out. Over summer I've been putting in excess hours, and eventually developed migraines which are basically out of my control. When they come on, that's it, time to stop work. Physically incapable of doing anything, let alone work.

But anyway, from the start at this job I've felt like I've been chucked in the deep end, and at the beginning I came close to going to see my boss to tell him that I thought I'd made a mistake in taking the job. Once or twice I'd made minor comments to him that I was feeling the pressure and struggling a bit, and he just remarked that it was my baptism of fire.

I had exactly the same kinds of feelings as you described though (of not being of value to the company through all my mistakes, of feeling like a 'pretender' in the role I'd been given, and of really struggling to produce anything that was 'right').

I made my old company a lot of money, and was very valuable to them, and then coming here all of a sudden felt I was a cost and wasn't pulling any money in. Which made me very anxious indeed. Some people don't even question their value though, in a business sense, and it is good that you are.

I think you'll come out of this just fine, providing you don't burn yourself out medically, and providing you don't throw in the towel.

I think only now (18 months in) am I beginning to become less anxious and more sure of myself. But I'm nowhere near as confident as I was in my old job. Having said that though, I must now be a few orders of magnitude a better engineer than I was. But far less confident. That's an odd paradox, isn't it?

We have very varied work in our consultancy, and almost every project I'm served is new to me. It's very disconcerting being expected to hold your own on something you know zero about, against someone on the phone telling you you're wrong. That definitely makes you feel like an imposter!!

It doesn't help if you've built up most of your identity on being brilliant in your work or education. I guess having that particular pillar kicked out from under you can leave you wandering around shell-shocked much of the time. It has me, anyhow, and I've almost burnt myself out working tirelessly to recover that reputation I lost on moving company.

I think it's coming back, though, and I'm sure yours will too, given what I can tell about you from your comments in this thread!

 

[GregLocock]

The more experienced you get, the more cautious you get. You take more things into account, and become more aware that received wisdom can lead you astray, and that a surprising proportion of the people you deal with are buffoons or liars.

Consequently, yes, as you become a better engineer you become less confident that any given design is right, but more justifiably confident that it is the best that could be done in the circumstances. We don't live in a perfect world, a timely, good design that more or less meets budget is probably an aspiration than a regularly achieved state for many of us.


Cheers

Greg Locock


New here? Try reading these, they might help FAQ731-376

http://eng-tips.com/market.cfm?

 

[rg006]

I have to say that I am a very young engineer (I work in manufacturing), but I learned very quickly that customers want everything fast/cheap/right and no mater what you deliver, they will want more. I keep a sign hanging in my office with fast/cheap/right inside of a triangle, and below it, it says "Pick any two".

 

[ME4321]

Husky,

I feel for you. I think I am in the same boat. 60 hour weeks and I am still on a trajectory towards a block wall.

See my post:

http://www.eng-tips.com/viewthread.cfm?qid=284226&page=1