Social skills, interpersonal skills etc. for engineers 12

[rickitek]

We all know that to learn this skills we should practice it more often. But majority of us were not designed and uncomfortable with it and not good in doing chit chat and small talks etc. so for those who been there and done that i salute you. How do you overcome and forced yourself to do it despite being uncomfortable.

I have been in a management position for more than 2yrs now, i have no problem with my job as i gained respect from my boss, subordinates and staff by delivering results. But i can go too far if i have this skills. I will be transferring to a much bigger international company in the next few months. More opportunities in climbing the corporate ladder so i badly need this skills. I researched a lot and read about it and one that catches my attention is to attend an acting workshop which is a bit awkward for me but i consider it seriously. What can you say? Any tips.

Anyway i am a bit of a nerd and loves being alone and thinking analyzing many things. So it will takes a lot of effort to change myself.

 

[MikeHalloran]

The fools with whom you are dealing will always see a need for you to 'improve your social skills', because they don't realize you have already met them more than halfway, by not killing them.



Mike Halloran
Pembroke Pines, FL, USA

 

[tygerdawg]

I once worked for a guy who was proud of "delivering results." He had the respect of those around him because he was considered an out of control toxic nut-case who took no prisoners but met his goals. Well, that is, all except staff retention.

For years I was invited to give lectures to new engineering students about "what engineers do." I told them all the technical skills are critical for keeping your job on a daily basis. They were all very disenchanted when I told them that the soft skills (communications, diplomacy, business savvy, tact, listening, influencing, motivation, leadership, etc. etc. etc.) were required to develop as a professional and grow one's career.

These skills can be learned, developed, and mastered. It is harder for some folks than others. Take classes, read books, observe others, emulate, and strive for constant improvement to overcome introversion. I always considered involvement in professional engineering societies a great opportunity for learning leadership skills in a no- or low-risk environment.

TygerDawg
Blue Technik LLC
Virtuoso Robotics Engineering

http://www.bluetechnik.com

 

[SLTA]

An acting class is a great idea. Just don't forget that engineers often have a finely-tuned BS meter, so use the skills you learn to talk to people, but not to act at them, you know?

I'd recommend getting involved in something like a non-profit board, where you have set meetings dealing with something you're passionate about, so you get a chance to talk with new folks around something you all love.

It all comes down to deciding to care about it.

 

[JAE]

Well we all know that the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer is that the extrovert looks at YOUR shoes when he talks with you rather than his own.

That said, one of the keys to good conversational/social skills is to keep your discussion focused on them - not on you. The more you focus on the other person, their name, position, likes, dislikes, job issues, challenges, hobbies, etc. the better the conversation will go.

The focus goes off you and allows you freedom to discover things about them - they like it (everyone likes talking about themselves) and it is not really that different from you as an engineer figuring out the "problem" and "solution". You first have to get the data and facts to apply to the challenge at hand.

 

[oldestguy]

A class in public speaking will force you to develop habits like those mentioned above. Whether you like it or not, look the guy in the eyes even if it is difficult. Get active in all engineering societies that are available and volunteer.

 

[berkshire]

Rickitek,

See if you have a chapter of Toastmasters near you, and join their organization.
B.E,

http://www.toastmasters.org/

You are judged not by what you know, but by what you can do.

 

[Compositepro]

The above advice is good, but make sure that "climbing the corporate ladder" is what will make you happy. Too many people automatically assume that being the boss and getting paid more is the ultimate goal. If you don't truly enjoy dealing with people you may not want a job where that is the only function. That said, improving your skills in dealing with people is always a good thing.

 

[berkshire]

Composite pro
Has some good advice, see what you really want to do first.
I did not do that and started a business I liked doing, within a couple of years I had 5 employees, then more , to make a long story short , at my high point I had 17 employees.
Was I happy? Hell no, I was running a business, putting out fires, getting supplies, finding money for payroll. None of which was what I wanted to do. I just wanted to be on the shop floor fixing peoples toys and making neat widgets.
So think about that.
B.E.

You are judged not by what you know, but by what you can do.

 

[peppinu]

I suggest trying to overcome this in little ways.
I bet you were in situations where you wanted to express your opinion and held back.
Be aware of theses situations and do not be afraid to express your opinion especially in not so important matters.
Be carefull not to be presumptuous. Once you make the first step then the rest should come a bit easier.
As already suggested read books on management as communication is an important aspect of management and usually it is one of the first chapters.

 

[weldstan]

Do take an English Grammar course to help you with your writing skills. There are a number of one week courses available. If you are currently interacting well with your supervisors and subordinants, you may not need much improvement in your interpersonal skills.

 

[KENAT]

Reading the OP I'm guessing you may have English as a Second Language.

Try finding some native speakers to practice with if you'll be speaking a lot of English at work - which I suspect in an international office you may be.

For written communication additional learning as weldstan suggests may be useful.

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[AX3L]

I like to see chatting and small talk as a game of table-tennis with your young child. It's not about winning or losing, or you showing of how good a player you are and keeping the ball all the time, it's about bouncing the ball back and forth so that you both enjoy the game. This might be a stupid metaphor, but in the end small talk with people you don't know too well shouldn't be about extracting as much information as possible or having the risk of making the other person uncomfortable. Nor you speaking constantly for most of the conversation, neither the other person for that matter. No, it should be about you both chatting about light subjects like sport or other things that doesn't need to be a 4h deep discussion (and for gods sake, not politics). "Have you tried the new software ...?", "did you see the game last night?" or the favourite for Swedes like myself: "Gosh, what's about this stupid weather we've had lately?"

The metaphor is actually valid for another reason as well. It takes two to play ping pong, and even if the fact that you're better in some way can compensate for the lack of skill of your kid if the kid's too bad the game will be shit no matter what. So it's not all in your hands.

 

[MikeHalloran]

Small talk between engineers is usually directed toward establishing a mutual but unstated agreement about how each engineer stacks up against the other engineer in the global pecking order of engineers.

The exchange of information usually takes well under a minute, and will be mistaken for something else by civilians, especially by the ones who think they are expert in interpersonal relations.



Mike Halloran
Pembroke Pines, FL, USA

 

[curiocity]

Couldn't agree more with CompositePro. But I guess if you find that the view's terrible on top of the corporate ladder, you can always find a way to come back down. (just don't break any bones)

A "engaging conversation" class I went to once had some good advice. Ask the open questions (what, why, how) and listen. If you have trouble listening, re-focus on the sound of your breathing for 3 seconds. From the person's response to your questions, ask more questions. Find some common ground or topic you both like and go from there. Your enthusiasm shows when you are engaged in a topic you like, though if I can't find a topic sometimes it's difficult for me to fake enthusiasm. For that... refer back to the acting class suggested.

Another thing is self confidence. So much easier said than done, but I find that the more frequent I'm around people (as much as I want to hide out at home and play Starcraft), the more confident and smooth my conversation flows when it counts. I guess it divides up the anxiety into small chunks each time I'm out versus unloading it all at once. Hope that helps.

 

[Jboggs]

I have run several businesses and am an engineer at heart. Without a doubt, the most valuable advice I was ever given on how to become more comfortable in social situations was this simple suggestion: Ask Questions! Learn to listen and become more interested in other people, their background, their motivations, their opinions, their families, their interests, etc. It becomes very easy. The quickest way to fill those awkward silences is to just ask another question. Then they do the talking, not you. If you are interested in them, they will think you are a great conversationalist!

 

[GregLocock]

If any of you relatioshnips experts want to chat about the weather the ballgame or anything else, you just go right ahead but don't be surprised if I wander off or put my headphones on. Good grief.

Cheers

Greg Locock


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[bigTomHanks]

Well said AX3L. I agree with most about asking questions but it's important to keep the conversation from becoming an interrogation. Also you should stick your neck out there once in a while and reveal something about yourself that may peak the interest of the other person. Sometimes there is nothing you can do because it's some kind of issue with the other person and the best thing is to walk away.

 

[TenPenny]

"Small talk between engineers is usually directed toward establishing a mutual but unstated agreement about how each engineer stacks up against the other engineer in the global pecking order of engineers.

The exchange of information usually takes well under a minute, and will be mistaken for something else by civilians, especially by the ones who think they are expert in interpersonal relations."

Wow. Just drop your pants and be done with it.

 

[Mechomatic]

I think there's a distinct difference between idle small-talk and actual interpersonal skills. While I'm not going to be rude to colleagues, I also have work to do and don't really need to know about your flat tire or your son's soccer game. Small-talk has its moments, but they are relatively few and far between. I believe the valuable interpersonal skills are being approachable, being able to communicate clearly and effectively to people of any level of technical expertise, and having a healthy dose of tact and empathy.

All of this is from an "in-the-office" perspective. If you're out on the golf course, at a meal, etc, then do as has been suggested: act like you're catching up with an old friend. Everybody has a friend from high school or college they were once close to but have lost touch with. "Catch up" with people to learn about what is going on in their lives (that they are willing to talk about, of course- no religion, politics, or "close to the chest" stuff) and then actually jump in with conversation on the things they mention to which you can relate.

Additionally, if you are communicating in writing, "proper" grammar is worth the effort. I lose some respect for native English speakers whose grammar is less than excellent. Everybody makes a mistake here and there, but typos, misspellings, and poor grammar really detract from written communication. I don't lose respect the same way for non-native speakers, but I am suitably impressed by good grammar. In verbal conversation, I find it easier to understand non-native speakers if they talk a little slower than normal. This helps me process and understand what they are saying if they grammar or accent would otherwise make it difficult to understand at full speed.

And to reiterate what has been said before, it's easier to have a conversation when the other person does the talking/answering questions and you can just ask a question and sit back and listen until you hear them say something you can chime in about.

"Anyway i am a bit of a nerd and loves being alone and thinking analyzing many things. So it will takes a lot of effort to change myself."

You don't have to change yourself, you just have to be willing to open up your private, internal laboratory and let the other person in on the "project" you're working on (or join the "project" they're working on). You can have loads of things to talk about or discuss if you hit upon something that you both know about and enjoy.