The co-worker obstacle 9

[aprincezk]

I work in a very small consulting firm as an entry-level engineer on very fast paced projects. I have recently realized that the lead designer apparently has some sort of issue with me. A side note, I am a very professional young female and the designer is a middle aged male - he used to be overly kind and social with me. Being young, I multi-task like nobody's business learning "the ropes" and producing deliverables. I dont ask questions until i have done some of my own research. The past few weeks, the designer REFUSES to provide me with any sort of reasonable answer to any of my questions, nor will he provide me with any drawings that i require until i send a request in an email with the Project Manager/CEO of the company copied in. I confronted this difficulty in a sincere email and received no response. I can only see this turning into a horrible battle of witts and me losing (my job) because he has more experience and the company cant afford to get rid of him.

Question: What to do, what to do??? I dont want to get anyone else involved and start a ruckus because we don't have the time to play games against each other, but i certainly dont enjoy his hinderance on my progress and effect on my attitude as of late. We work for the same company and should be working TOGETHER, not against each other...any advice???

 

[l3city]

Document everything, save e-mails, print them put them in a file. Save and write down whatever converstion bewteen you and the other designer. Life is easy, and as you said, do as much as you can, ask for help, write/save your conversations/emails, so that when the big boss or someone else ask you for some project or anything else, you have something to back you up. I guarantee that designer is going to be easy as a cat... be strong and hang in there, regards

 

[jck26]

I hope that this experienced engineer isn't so fragile that a newly minted engineer is a threat. Please talk with him privately and ask him "that being new engineer and still learining how to behave at work, was there something that I've done that offended you since it seems like I don't get the positive response I once did". Explain to him that since this is your first job you are putting in alot of effort to being recognized and learn the work. Expalain that you actions have nothing to do with trying to out shine him (experienced engineer). This is an excellent time to ask this person if they would consider mentoring you if they (and you) are so inclined.

This is not an easy issue. I hope this is not a male/female control issue or one of workplace attraction because in a small company there are few options to resolve them. Don't lower your standards of professionalism and conduct. If you have to go to you boss the relationship which you had on arrival can be lost never to be regained.

jck26

 

[ctopher]

I agree with saving everything ... emails, etc.
Setup a meeting with yourself, your coworker, and your boss. Settle soon before it gets worse.

Chris
SolidWorks 06 5.1/PDMWorks 06
AutoCAD 06
ctopher's home (updated 01-18-07)

 

[MedicineEng]

It happened to me in a previous job; When I as promoted, the department was split in two and my former superior was in charge of one part of the department and I was in charge of the other part. As such, he was not my superior anymore and he "lost" half of the department to me. Well, his attitude changed in one day and the relationship was really getting difficult. One day, after a more "heated up" discussion over the phone, I sat in front of my PC and wrote him an email saying that I wouldn't tolerate any longer his behaviour towards me and giving examples of what I considered intolerable behaviour. In the end I said that I would go to the CEO if anything like that would happen again. In the following morning, he came apologizing and then the things got smoother.

 

[whyun]

I gather that he is an experienced technician and feels threatened by a new professional. This type of struggle exists quite often. It could be a salary issue, he may have a notion that new engineers don't know anything, I don't want to get into sexual harrassment.

If you've documented as many incidents as you can and already made an attempt to resolved the issue with the individual, it is time to see your direct supervisor. It's a shame but this sort of thing occurs more frequently than it should. Good luck.

 

[sms]

Don't waste your time and talent. If you don't think it is going to get resolved in a timely and satisfactory manner, and based on your description I doubt that it will, then it is time to move while the moving is good.



-The future's so bright I gotta wear shades!

 

[KENAT]

Hmm,

The fact that he was ok and now isn't is throwing me. I've had to win over plenty of people, especially early in my career but also every time I changed job, however, I've never pi**ed one off so bad I couldn't win them back easily.

I did resort to a box of chocolates for a document control lady I upset once when I'd made a joke at her expense, turns out she thought it was funny and was just playing up. However, from then on I had a better relationship with her than almost anyone else in the company, and got a lot of help from her. Not sure it would work for you though in this situation.

You need to find the balance, if you give up and move on every time you hit what seems to be an insurmountable personality conflict then you'll be moving jobs a lot! If this is fine with you do it, if you think you'd be better off staying places a bit longer then you obviously need to find a way to deal. Obviously though if it’s really bad you may have no choice but to start looking for pastures new.

When it comes to more senior staff members, especially when I'm new, I'll pretty much bend over backwards to get along with them. This is true whether they are good at their job & easy to get along with, good at their job but difficult to get along with or not so good at their job but easy to get along with. The one I struggle with are people who aren’t easy to get along with and aren’t good at their job, the good news is that people like this seldom last long unless they’ve already weaseled their way into management. The bad news is most of them seem to weasel their way into management.

Given your specific examples I think maybe you need to follow up every important request or conversation to him with an email. Try to make it sound like the emails to help you out not to hound him. For example

“I just wanted to list the drawing numbers I requested in an email so I make sure I didn’t miss any when I spoke to you”

Then if he hasn’t replied in a reasonable time, perhaps after a verbal reminder follow up with an email reminder & CC the project manager or whoever. Be warned both he and the project manager will eventually get tired of this, plan is that he gets tired first and starts giving you what, if the manager gets tired first you may have to face an awkward conversation about resolving personality problems, could still work though.

Also really think about your behavior and actions, is there anyway he could of interpreted it as you being arrogant or trying to get ahead at his expense etc. If so talk to him informally, maybe start with an apology along the lines of “sorry if it seemed like….”.

No promised any of the above will help, just my thoughts.

Good luck, hope it works out.

 

[swivel63]

young engineers feel incredibly threatened by other young engineers. particularly if they feel somehow insecure about their "education."

doesn't bother me any, though. insecure people will always be threatened by those who are very confident. be who you are, and don't succumb to someone's weak notions.

 

[aprincezk]

Thank you for the wonderful replies! I could never have imagined that the entry-level learning curve would include conflict resolution skills with “seasoned” veterans – and that I would be the more grown-up individual! It sounds as though I should try, try again and confront him face-to-face. I would like to do this in a casual manner without having an upper involved. I really hate to make such a big deal that I need management help because I don’t want to appear juvenile and unable to resolve conflict (I also hope he would me mature enough to react and make positive changes w/out being reprimanded by management). My only fear is not having a witness.


QUESTION: Would anyone advise attempting to confront him face-to-face on my own first, and if nothing relents then get the boss involved?

 

[KENAT]

I don't know that I'd use the phrase 'confront', I'd try and be a bit more charming (yes I know that's a bit of an oxymoron for an Engineer) than that but certainly having a conversation with him may be worth it.

If you do have to take it up with the boss I suggest trying to phrase more as asking for advice on how to deal with the other person, not complaining that they're awkward. Make it sound like you're the one who, within reason, is willing to change, you just want some advice how. You could even play up to your bosses ego a bit.

Again, just my opinion, remember what they say about free advice!

 

[jmw]

...he used to be overly kind and social with me

If everything was going OK and you don't know of any problem that has arisen between you and he, then may be there has been some "third party" activity; someone else who has been spreading malicious gossip. Maybe someone has commented to him on his attitude toward you. There is always someone who can take 2 and 2 and make 3 out of it.
Give this some thought.
Maybe you can think who it might be.

Going to the boss may be your last resort. Anyway, Bosses dislike getting involved in "squabbles", especially if they are ill-equipped to deal with them. The act of involvement may queer relationships all round, hence try a couple of other things first:

The first step is to try indirect methods. That is, if there is a suitable co-worker, go and ask them if they know what's going on. They might be able to throw some light on the situation. This prepares you for the next step which is to be direct.

That means going up to him and face to face asking him what the problem is.
Don not use emails or memos;
"I confronted this difficulty in a sincere email and received no response."
Emails are a tool for exchanging information.
They notoriously often convey exactly the opposite emotion or intent to that meant. I think this weakened your position because it suggested that you were too frightened to bring it out in the open. Besides, as you have discovered, emails can be ignored.
Rehearse what you want to say, that way not only will you say what you want, unemotionally, or at least, without excessive emotion, you will also not say something you don't want to say.
Also, don't immediately respond to anything he does say. It avoids an intemperate response and the moment of silence may encourage him to say something more.

You might ask him if it is something you've done or said or if it is something someone else has done or said.
Ask and then wait for the answer. There is a tendency, when an immediate response isn't forthcoming, to ask ancillary questions. and to witter on.
Also, look for eye contact before you say anything or respond to anything.
Silence can be a powerful tool, use it.
He can either answer of keep quiet.

If he doesn't seem to want to say anything, just pull up a chair and sit and wait him out.

Next step:
Assuming no luck and if there is an HR department and they are any good, try and "off the record discussion" with them. Explain the situation. Ask their advice.
You might even suggest that "you hope it isn't a male/female thing." HR will not want any sexual harassment cases and will investigate.

Concurrently, whatever the situation, the cause and how it appears to resolve itself or not, have your CV/Resume up to date and out there. Always have a place to jump to if you need to get tough or if things start to go bad.

The advice on documenting and keeping a diary is excellent.



JMW

http://www.ViscoAnalyser.com

 

[MikeHalloran]

This just occurred to me.

Maybe HR is ALREADY involved.

The sudden extreme change in the male's behavior suggests the possibility that he has received some involuntary sexual harassment training, and that his job is on the line.

If so, any contact with HR or a manager would probably pull the trigger on whatever gun they have aimed at him.

Do try to resolve the matter in person. Do not ever use email for such things.



Mike Halloran
Pembroke Pines, FL, USA

 

[KENAT]

Be very careful and think long and hard before even hinting at any sexual harassment or discrimination angle.

Even in a serious case the consequences for the person making the complaint/accusation can be as bad as, if not worse than, those for the person causing the offense.

I’m not saying it’s right but it is reality in some situations.

 

[michfan]

I had a very chauvinistic weasel-y boss once. I was working overseas so I didn't have to talk to him every day, which was good because I always had to repress the urge to tell him off. He was a micromanager and loved to tell you exactly how to do your work.

Anyway, I had to have a conversation with him by phone about our Manager of Project Managers and during the conversation my boss said, "I don't know why he listens to you - maybe it's because you're a woman or something..."

I just let that one pass right on by, along with hundreds of other comments over the years. You are going to work with people like that, male and female, throughout your career. If it wasn't my boss being a weasel, then it was the women in the administrative area excluding me from their breaks because I wasn't one of them, either.

Don't waste your time documenting conversations with people unless you have a tape recording of it, because it's just your word against the other person. If you have written proof of some type of harassment (my boss was notorious for sending me emails that would say "so-and-so is an idiot, but...") file it away at home in case you ever need it. If the harassment is ongoing, find a legal way to document it. Maybe carry a tape recorder with you to meetings with that person, and say "you don't mind if I record our conversations in case I need to refer back to something later, do you?" A few days of that and I bet they get the picture.

You will learn to let 99% of it just go right in one ear and out the other. I'm certain my boss had issues with me but I hope it was mainly because I knew my job & was somewhat stubborn - not just female. I was one of the few who would question him when he gave his very detailed work instructions.

The other 1% of the time you will learn to directly confront the person right when something happens. Do your job to the best of your ability. Keep good records, save emails, document telephone calls. That way if someone does try to harass you, or accuse you of anything, you'll be as prepared as you can be to refute what they say. I had a supervisor just start yelling at me one day, calling me a liar because of something one of the other engineers told him. I calmly told him I didn't lie, I had an email to prove it, and I didn't care to sit there and be yelled at when he obviously didn't know what was going on. I walked away, got the email proof and brought it to him. I then said, "if you feel the need to believe other people before learning the facts, then you and I aren't going to work well together. Please let me know now so that I can go talk to HR about a transfer". That seemed to do the trick with him. Don't be afraid of confronting someone with authority, even as a new engineer. If you know you are in the right, you will find the road will be much smoother if you gain other's respect right from the start.

Ignore the small stuff, and take care of the big stuff immediately, and don't worry about what others think of you. As long as you do your job and work hard, things will work out for you.

 

[aprincezk]

There has been an interesting twist to my issue. During my yearly review yesterday, coincidentally it was brought up that I have been expressing some frustration towards the project that I am working on with the lead designer. I was told that he complained I was being “too demanding”. Interestingly enough he conveniently neglected to mention that I kindly ask him via email and in person for drawings and receive no response. He also conveniently forgot to mention that I sent him an email asking why he is difficult to work with lately and neglected to respond. So I told the office manager all of these things and mentioned if he was “too busy” to get a drawing to me he could have taken 30 seconds to write a simple, 10 word email, explaining such. She seemed shocked that he would not be responsive and said that in his position he “needs to be responsive”. She also explained that he has a lot on his plate and is very stressed out. I explained that I understand that, but for him to not respond at all is ridiculous and unprofessional. She agreed. I have noticed that his time in the office (let alone actually being productive) has been very sparse and I wanted to say “if he was ever here, working, maybe he could get his work done.” But I bit my tongue and kept my mouth shut.

I took responsibility for my frustration because I know it has been very apparent. I also told her that I did not initially get anyone else involved because it is important to solve conflict individually and also because I don’t feel we have time to deal with petty issues. I mentioned that I will be speaking with him face-to-face regarding his difficult demeanor towards me if it continues. I feel comfortable now that people are aware of the situation and know my side of the story!

I am not surprised that he went in and tried to make me look like the “bad guy” as I have heard rumors of him doing this to a couple other folks in the office. I should have realized before hand and nipped it in the bud before he could get to them, but I did not want to appear juvenile. I know he is not doing the best job he could be doing around here and I know that he will get what is coming to him. They will soon realize that his complaints come from his personal fear of someone realizing what a slacker he is.

It takes some serious character to stay strong, professional and not stoop down to his level. Thank goodness for family and friends, who let me vent to them! Thanks everyone for all the wonderful advice and encouragement!

 

[GrimesFrank]

Be careful you're not digging your own grave.
He is the lead designer and you are the entry level "new kid". Unfortunately he will have clout and you will be seen as whining. Whatever "inactivity" you think he has, it will most likely not be an issue..your interpersonal relationship with him will be though.

Hate to say, he doesn't have to prove a thing, his seniority stick speaks for itself, whereas you have a seniority "toothpick".

All I will say is there are always Four sides to every story;
- yours
- his
- the truth
- what management thinks is the easiest solution to the problem; move you or move him.

This is delicate, treat it that way.

Frank "Grimey" Grimes
You can only trust statistics 90% of the time.

 

[whyun]

aprincezk, would you calrify for me whether this guy is an engineer senior to you or an experienced drafter?

If he is your direct supervisor you have a tough situation but if he is a senior technician and you have a supervisor, talk to the supervisor.

 

[aprincezk]

He is an experienced drafter. My supervisor brought up the frustration i was expressing to me and apparently had a conversation with him yesterday. I received an email late yesterday from him apologizing for being difficult. Quite interesting he found the time to write back after others were "enlightened" on the situation.
I spoke with him today and told him I appreciate the apology, but next time I would appreciate him coming to me first and not getting others involved as it makes us both look bad.

 

[epoisses]

aprincezk,

This kind of discussions always get more interesting if somebody disagrees with the original poster. Let me be the devil's advocate this time.

I am quoting a few statements you made:
"I am a very professional young female and the designer is a middle aged male"
"I dont ask questions until i have done some of my own research"
"I send a request in an email with the Project Manager/CEO of the company copied in"
"I certainly dont enjoy his hinderance on my progress and effect on my attitude as of late"
"I was told that he complained I was being “too demanding"
"I sent him an email asking why he is difficult to work with lately"
"I have noticed that his time in the office (let alone actually being productive) has been very sparse and I wanted to say “if he was ever here, working, maybe he could get his work done.”"
"It takes some serious character to stay strong, professional and not stoop down to his level."

You do sound like a very ambitious and indeed demanding person. Not that it is wrong to ambitious and demanding, but, as with everything, you can go too far and become something that, in combination with your very low level of experience, could be characterised as an unguided missile.

You may very well be as professional as you claim you are. And he may not be. He may be under of a lot of stress as he has more responsiblity than you have. In any case, you don't get to choose your boss or your other colleagues, you have to put up with them and work with them in an effective and efficient manner. This is obviously not the case right now and both of you are to blame. Before you write a new email to the office manager, why wouldn't you take some time and think about how you could improve the situation starting with changeing your own behavior?

And besides, have you ever considered he may be having serious personal problems? If so, would you be human enough to accept that he is difficult to work with lately but does not want to talk about it with you?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, just trying to be helpful