12 years in, struggling to find work/life balance 9

[milkshakelake]

I'd like some advice, mainly from engineers who have been doing this for a long time. I'm having trouble finding a work/life balance. This is going to be a long post so I can explain my situation accurately, but feel free to give generic advice and not read the post. I totally get it.

Background:
(A) I run a small engineering company (me plus 5 employees). This drains kips of time because success depends mostly on me. My decisions, including marketing, which employees to hire, and how to train them, are keeping this ship sailing. I feel responsible for myself, every employee, and their families. The employees and clients have placed their trust in me, which I cherish. Therefore, I have to sacrifice my own time whenever needed. This results in working extra hours and weekends sometimes, because the work ebbs and flows.
(B) I have a family. After work, a large part of my evening is doing housework (dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc.) and helping the kid with homework. My wife also works and shares these household responsibilities equally. On weekends, I teach the kid math and piano (there are tutors for both, so it's mostly helping with the homework/practice), and sometimes we have family trips or shopping, so even the weekends are booked.
(C) I spend an average of 45 minutes per day bodybuilding, doing yoga, and meditating. This is the one non-negotiable item I can't compromise on. But it eats into the daily schedule.

My goals:
(i) I want more time for hobbies like video games and art. I have a miniscule amount of free time for myself.
(ii) I want to expand my company to make more money so I can retire early and have infinite free time for aforementioned hobbies. Let's say retirement in 10-15 years. This conflicts with (i).
(iii) I want to expand my engineering knowledge. I used to study engineering for 1 hour every day for 7 years, but when I started my company/family, there was no time for that. Therefore, I have major gaps in useful knowledge (things like strut-tie model and finite element analysis). My ego is wrapped up in this; it stings when I see questions on this forum that I can't respond to. I can only spend 2-3 hours a week on study now, if any time at all.
(iv) I want to do difficult, long term things to grow the company, such as learning programming so I can better hire programmers to automate some tasks. And 3D printing so I can send a beautiful model of the project to clients when it's done, so they keep us in mind. And making a course for architects to get more exposure. And getting ICC certification for steel inspections. And expanding my IT knowledge to get more self-hosted Linux apps working to streamline the company. I understand that it's nearly impossible to do all of this without major sacrifices.

Potential solutions:
(1) Two engineers have told me that my days of studying are over. I'm inclined to believe them. Therefore, I'm thinking of completely removing the goals of expanding engineering knowledge (iii) and not doing any of the difficult long term growth goals on my own (iv). I have enough knowledge to be a competent engineer, and it's the time for me to use those skills to make money instead of endlessly expanding those skills. I have to rely on learning a little bit every day incidentally from the work itself instead of focused studying.
(2) Regarding difficult long term goals (iv), once the company expands and there's more money to play with, I will hire people to do them. This may be 3-5 years down the line.
(3) I've always heavily invested time in making work and household chores more streamlined. Things are fairly optimized, but I need to think deeply about finding more such solutions.

Problems:
(a) Almost every solution is conflicting with something else. For example, letting go of difficult long term expansion and engineering knowledge (1) directly conflicts with expanding the company (ii). I'm having a hard time figuring out what compromises to make, because I'm well aware that I can't do it all.
(b) It's hard to just give up on improving my knowledge, because I was always a stickler for self improvement and lifelong study.
(c) Any time that could be spent on long term business improvement (iv) or studying (iii) is much better spent on improving the business today. It's more productive to optimize workflow (3) and do daily work to get projects out on time and done with quality, therefore retaining clients and increasing reputation. Again, maybe it's just my ego, but it's hard to dismiss the notion of self improvement in the first place (b).

 

[LittleInch]

271828 talks sense.

As a parent you will always want to give your kids at least everything you had from your parents and hopefully more, but time is one of those things.

My phrase is that kid(s) have this nasty habit of growing up on you and once they get to about 12/13, they start to seriously separate from you and gravitate to their friends of their own age.

So sure, you can still do lots of things with them ( mainly a lot of driving them around), but quality time gets reduced to set events or times.

Life is a constant struggle to balance all its competing elements on most of us and you'll never get it wholly right - just not too far off balance is the aim. Basically like most engineering. Learning to realise when something is good enough is a key factor.

Remember - More details = better answers
Also: If you get a response it's polite to respond to it.

 

[milkshakelake]

Hello all,

I've thought about this quite a bit, read every comment several times, talked to friends/family, and made some changes to my life/mindset:
1.) I will hire and supervise others to accomplish tasks. It's a middle ground between doing everything myself, and fully trusting others. Enable mentioned that the work of others is underwhelming, but then again, everyone running a business is doing it. So I'll give up some of the control but keep an eye on people, and recognize that there's a cost to it beyond the salary or fee. I think the problem was that I had unrealistic ideas of what I'm capable of doing; 271828 mentioned that it would take two lifetimes to accomplish everything on my list, and others have pointed out a similar thing.
2.) I hired a housekeeper. Will do other time saving things like this.
3.) I will incorporate my hobbies with the family. For example, we can collaborate on art. Several have mentioned spending more time with the kid.
4.) I'm not ready to partner with anyone yet. But when I hire more people, I'll promote someone to project manager, boost their $$, and have them take on some training and admin work.
5.) Employees will make standards and guidelines, and I'll check them.
6.) I'm going to be less of an engineer and more of a businessperson. This will be done by relying on others more.
7.) Going through the E-Myth book.
8.) I realized that I've been improving my knowledge all along. I've been reading books about business instead of engineering. This is fine for now.
9.) I've let go of any notion that I could be good at tangential tasks like programming. I'll hire others to do it.
10.) I'll start thinking of business moves in terms of ROI. I don't have to do everything on the list; I'll focus on things that have the most impact.

Some advice that I considered, but won't do:
1.) Track the hours spent on everything. It's a bit too much hassle.
2.) Downsize - maybe I'll revisit it in the future, but I won't be able to achieve my goal of early retirement this way. However, I haven't even considered this option before, and now it's something to keep in my back pocket.

Some psychological stuff:
I think my need to do everything and be good at it stems from my competitive childhood, going to specialized schools and all that. At this point, it's hurting more than it's helping, so I'm letting go of that part of me.

Again, thanks to everyone who lent an ear! I'm still a work in progress, so I'm sure I have a lot more to learn.

 

[271828]

Bravo MSL. If every person was as self-reflective and open as you are, the world would be a better place.

Many thanks to sparweb for the E-Myth book recommendation. I downloaded it and a couple of days ago and am only a small ways in, and I already have a much better handle on my own struggles. I only had a vague sense of what has been going on. I'm the classic "technician who starts a business," and am ending up exactly where he would've predicted.

 

[IRstuff]

achieve my goal of early retirement

A critical part of retirement, early or not, is your savings and consequences of drawing from them.

Most people who've worked for large companies have 401K accounts which are taxed as ordinary income when retirement withdrawals are made; there are steps that you can potentially take to get more of your savings into tax-free accounts such as Roth IRAs; consulting with a financial planner might be worth the effort.

TTFN (ta ta for now)
I can do absolutely anything. I'm an expert!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg

faq731-376 forum1529 Entire Forum list

http://www.eng-tips.com/forumlist.cfm

 

[milkshakelake]

@271828 Thanks! Just trying to survive in this complex world, like everyone else.

@IRstuff I invest in real estate, which has synergy with engineering. Slightly riskier, but higher returns. If the stars align, my goal is to build a 4 story building and collect rent for the rest of my life, or pay off the stuff I already have.

 

[CWB1]

and collect rent for the rest of my life

If real estate is your primary/only retirement plan then make sure you understand the financial implications of owning it as a senior citizen. We've invested in it for 20+ but prioritize maxing 401/403/TSP/etc and our IRAs, and plan to join the majority of investors in selling off pre-retirement. IMO its a great investment for those disciplined enough to pay it off quickly, but its not a retirement plan. We've also met quite a few folks who followed popular book-shills into a poor retirement, including several who "retired" young only to need jobs and struggled as seniors.

 

[LittleInch]

Well glad it managed to prompt a few changes which hopefully last longer than most peoples new Years resolutions...

The reason I said about tracking hours and that was only in terms of a few minutes every day to recall, was that it would give you some way of measuring the effectiveness of your changes rather just relying on how you felt.

SO e.g. you could look at a previous month and say I spent 60 hours a month on admin and now I'm only spending 20 or whatever.

But hey, I get the grind of it and I have to do it every week to try and recall what I did so that I book it to the right project, so if that's one of a few thigs you don't take forward then so be it.

So try to pencil in coming back in 6 months and letting us know how it's going!

Remember - More details = better answers
Also: If you get a response it's polite to respond to it.

 

[milkshakelake]

@CWB1 The way I'm doing it now with 5 properties, collected rent covers the mortgage and most expenses, and in ~15-20 years, the properties will be paid off so the rent (minus expenses) is pure income. I don't know much about IRAs, so I'll look into it. Maybe it's a good idea to sell and dump it into an IRA before the legal retirement age kicks in.

@LittleInch Agreed, and thanks for the advice. I think it wouldn't work for me, but everyone is different. Will definitely come back and let y'all know how it went. Almost none of the items on the list are trivial, so I think if I get even 3 of them done and stick with it, it's quite a life change. Though the goal is to do all of them.

 

[Sparweb]

Glad to hear the book is having the intended effect.
My neighbour (he is an entrepreneur) gave me his copy just when I needed to read it. I'm just paying it forward.

 

[CWB1]

Stateside our system strongly encourages seniors to retire by penalizing them for significant income and assets, hence the popularity of tax-advantaged retirement accounts and downsizing property. Real estate is generally a lousy retirement plan bc it ties you to both high AGI and valuable assets. We buy another reno project every few years mostly/entirely for cash, pay them off quickly over the next few to minimize interest losses, rent, and occasionally sell when values jump. Cashflow helps pay into the retirement accounts but isn't a retirement account. We'll retire ~50 with a govt pension, retirement accounts, and selloff the real estate slowly by ~60 to minimize tax burden.

 

[milkshakelake]

@CWB1 I think I can run some numbers. I'll see how much I can potentially get from living off rental income and high AGI, versus dumping it into retirement. If that doesn't make sense, that's because I have no idea about this subject. Will start watching Youtube videos and finding some books. Thanks for the heads up!

 

[HDS]

You said something about not being to find an account.

Be careful about that one. If it because they won't let you do things the way you want you need to ask why. They maybe trying to keep you out of trouble. I know someone learning that the hard way.

If they were just too expensive of inefficient then keep looking. A good one will save you enough in taxes to offset the expense.

 

[Jaycen]

I'm going to respond to your problems, because fixing those is the pathway to your initially-listed desires:

[pre]Almost every solution is conflicting with something else.[/pre]

Yes, but that's the nature of all things in life. Everything is a trade-off. You said you wanted "work-live balance", well, that means taking away from the work in order to get a little more life.

[pre]I'm having a hard time figuring out what compromises to make, because I'm well aware that I can't do it all.[/pre]

You need to either select a leader from your existing pool, or to hire someone who is strong in leadership who knows not only how to delegate to others, but how to take things from you to force you to delegate. Ideally, you'd do this yourself, but from your post I think you've got two problems; 1) you're natural personality type is that of someone who doesn't delegate and 2) you've been doing it all so long by yourself, that it will be very difficult to teach an old dog a new trick.

[pre]It's hard to just give up on improving my knowledge, because I was always a stickler for self improvement and lifelong study.[/pre]

You've mentioned this a couple times, so I think the hobby you should really focus on is this one, as opposed to "video games and art". Don't dive into a hobby, just because it seems like a hobby you should do. I naturally tend to research the crap out of things before I do them, so I'm kind of in your boat. I find that the research required to turn myself into a semi-expert in something before taking on the project is almost as rewarding as the project itself. In the course of building my own guns, I've fallen down a lot of interesting rabbit holes, for example.

[pre]Any time that could be spent on long term business improvement (iv) or studying (iii) is much better spent on improving the business today[/pre]

This statement is an excuse to avoid doing the scary work required to get that long-term improvement. You will always find ways to burn time today in order to avoid burning time for tomorrow. Set aside a chunk of time each week. It doesn't have to be daily. Maybe it's 2 hours on Thursday mornings. But set that time aside and stick to it. Whatever you'd normally do during that time should be handed off to a trusted aid (leader). The more you do this, the more you develop that person to take on responsibility. The side benefit of giving yourself this time is that you are building the leadership bench behind you that will allow you to delegate more in the future. Remember that trust is always initiated from above in an organization. As the leader, you must demonstrate trust in order to earn it back from your subordinates.

[pre]It's more productive to optimize workflow (3) and do daily work to get projects out on time and done with quality, therefore retaining clients and increasing reputation. Again, maybe it's just my ego, but it's hard to dismiss the notion of self improvement in the first place (b).[/pre]

BS. How much optimization are you really achieving right now? Don't answer that. Think about it realistically. If you've been putting in all this work to "optimize workflow", then most of your workflows should be pretty well optimized by this point. I think this is another excuse to avoid doing what needs to be done.

You're correct that schedule and quality are crucial to retaining clients, etc. It is also correct to say that you are not developing your people if you don't allow them to make mistakes, because fixing your own screw ups is how we learn and develop. I bet, if you're honest with yourself, you've been holding back your employees from taking on some responsibilities that could free you up, because of your own fear that giving up any control is the same as losing all control...

This post is my "leadership tough love beginner's course". Don't take it personally, because I'm not attacking you. I'm attacking your self-described perceptions.

Obstacles cannot crush me; every obstacle yields to Stern Resolve.

 

[milkshakelake]

@Jaycen Thanks for the input! It's very much appreciated, and of course it takes a while to read my long post. I think many others have echoed what you said, and you're right that I have a problem delegating. Due to the responses, I've been delegating a lot more lately and I'm currently training a leader. I'm letting them make some mistakes, which I consider as a cost of training.

You've mentioned this a couple times, so I think the hobby you should really focus on is this one, as opposed to "video games and art". Don't dive into a hobby, just because it seems like a hobby you should do.

I've thought about this extensively and talked to a therapist and friends/family. I've ultimately decided to stick to one hobby (art) and have given up video games completely, except to play with my kid. I decided not to tie the hobby to work, because that 1% of stress in the back of my mind would hinder me from enjoying it. I've talked to some successful entrepeneurs and not one of them had a hobby that ties into their work. So I think it's better this way, because I don't want my entire life to be dedicated to work. I haven't yet gotten back into studying engineering, but that's on the horizon; can't change my whole life and habits in one month. It'll definitely happen once my project-manager-in-training is up to speed.

I bet, if you're honest with yourself, you've been holding back your employees from taking on some responsibilities that could free you up

Agreed. I think this is the single most important takeaway here. I have had some (major) hiccups recently due to delegating, but it needs to be done. After all, CEOs of big engineering companies aren't doing the calculations and client relations themselves.

 

[drawoh]

Jaycen,

I see that you are a new member. You have used the [pre] tag to do quotes, and your long lines are extending way off screen. TGML has a

tag which works way better.

--
JHG

 

[jsr3]

Great advice from several folks. Congrats on owning a business that has 5 employees. Not many people can claim that, so you should be very very proud.

As an engineer turned entrepreneur myself, I have 3 main suggestions

1. Seek a business coach or mentor. SBA (Small Business Association) provides funding for SCORE which provides free guidance to entrepreneurs like yourself.

https://www.score.org/

If you don't like the first mentor assigned to you, don't give up, try another one. If you don't like SCORE find a paid business coach. If you need help finding one let me know.
The ROI will justify this step

2. Read the book "4 hour work week"

3. Seek advice only from those who have experienced what you are going through and have been entrepreneurs themselves. It is very very hard and very very time consuming endeavor especially when you are working to take your company to the next higher level. So despite all these tips and best efforts the idea of of work life balance is a myth as an entrepreneur. Instead focus on work life integration.

All the best!

 

[milkshakelake]

@jsr3 Thanks for the tips. I'm hesitant to hire a business coach until I get some of these tasks done, but I've been looking into it for the long term. Besides SBA, my state has a free mentoring program as well that I'm looking into. I have a little group of entrepreneurs I meet sometimes and will extract some ideas from them. And I ordered the 4 hour work week, getting to that after finishing the other one. Heard lots of good things about Tim Ferris. I think I have a bit too much "work life integration" at the moment, so I'm working on scaling that back.