Helpful/Friendly Senior Turned Over-friendly 22

[mizzjoey]

Hi everyone.

I kind of have an awkward situation right now. Don't know if I actually have a situation or I should just loosen up, in fact.

I'm close to one senior engineer from a previous job; he was very helpful when I was working with him previously and we're both working our postgraduate thesis at the same faculty on part time basis. So now I see him every weekend at the lab for discussion with our two lecturers. And of course we're in the same industry and him being very knowledgeable makes him a useful contact.

I used to be okay with him because he was sort of a big brother to me. He's about 15 yrs my senior, married and I'm on great terms with his lovely wife. But lately he's being a bit too friendly and eventhough I said no to his outing invitations all the time he just doesn't notice that he's making me uncomfortable. I doubt he's being like this on purpose; he's a bit on the geeky and socially-awkward side.

Say you're the senior engineer, how would you like to be gently explained that your junior would like you to stop asking her to hang out on weekends?

At least, I'd like him to stop asking me out for a swim everytime we finish lab... I told him every single time that I don't find the idea of looking at him in skimpy spandex particularly appealing, but he would just say that's because I haven't seen how good he looks in them.

Plus he's been asking me out for a movie lately, and the last time was half an hour ago in an email.

Maybe I should stop being a prude?
jo

 

[655321]

Okay...a guy asked you to go out for a swim and then to movie and your wondering if your misreading the situation? Are you serious? Clearly you have a situation - no question, in fact I find it odd that you even have to ask.

Anyway, I think you may be past being nice. This is a married man that's making un-welcome advances to a junior co-worker. But I suppose could try this:

-Absolutely do not hang out with him in any social setting.
-Do not initiate any conversation with him you don't have too.
-No joking around, he's misinterpreting it.
-No Small Talk.
-If your in relationship, flaunt it.

If he still does not get it, you may need to be more direct. As in, "Hey Listen Senior Engineer, your a nice guy, but I just not interested in you that way, but I still want to be friends..."

 

[apsix]

"I told him every single time that I don't find the idea of looking at him in skimpy spandex particularly appealing"

That light-hearted style of response sends out an ambiguous message.

Be blunt, tell him you don't think it's appropriate that you go swimming/movies/etc with him.

 

[ctopher]

Be honest and tell him how you feel, in a nice way.

Chris
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[mizzjoey]

apsix (Structural) 15 Jan 09 0:57

"I told him every single time that I don't find the idea of looking at him in skimpy spandex particularly appealing"

That light-hearted style of response sends out an ambiguous message.

Be blunt, tell him you don't think it's appropriate that you go swimming/movies/etc with him.
_____________________________

Actually I did not say that in a joking manner. I was frowning and said that in a serious tone. Except that he still thought I was joking and laughs it off every time.

Thanks for answering my post. It's really hard for me to figure out what my colleagues mean when they say something. I usually find myself the only female in various work settings and have had to tolerate a lot of off-color jokes/banter. As long as they were not directed at me or meant to disparage women they didn't bother me.

I was afraid of it all being 'just in my head' and don't want to be rude unnecessarily .

 

[Drumchaser]

hey mzzjoey

Obviously you are a really nice person. At the risk of sounding like a pessimist: anytime a man makes advances (verbally or otherwise) and you do not abrubtly "close the door", he may very well think the game is on.

You need to let him know you are in a relationship, and your new SO does not approve of you frolicking in the pool with a horny nerd.
Seriously, be blunt but tactful.

Hope this helps


The sun never sets. It is we who rise & think to shine.

 

[TheTick]

Start dating one of the lecturers.

 

[CorBlimeyLimey]

Tell his wife!

 

[monkeydog]

mzzjoey,

The combination of guy, engineer, and "geeky and socially-awkward side" means he does not understand the hints.

It may be awkward and uncomfortable for you, but you need to flat-out tell him you do not want a relationship with him, you do not see him that way, you are looking for someone younger. Tell him you see him as a brother.

Some of us old, geeky and socially-awkward engineers need to be told with no grey areas.

 

[EddyC]

I also think that you should begin documenting all of this, but don't share it with HR until it gets intolerable. Wait and see if your coworker gets tired of flirting and backs off on his own. No, you shouldn't be the subject of repeated unwanted flirting after you've made it clear where you stand, which I believe that you have.

 

[MadMango]

I dropped my TV in the pool, want to catch a movie?

Be blunt with him and use correct words in your dealings with him, such as "inappropriate" and "unprofessional". Let him know that you would rather only have work-related relations with him. Let him know that you are serious, and any further unwanted comments will be brought to HR's attention.

There is a co-worker here, she complains about another that makes unwanted romantic comments towards her. She and others she has told think it is "cute" and "disgusting" in a lighthearted manner, they think it is funny and is a cause for a good ribbing when she complains. I don't see how or why she put's up with it.

"Art without engineering is dreaming; Engineering without art is calculating."

Have you read faq731-376 to make the best use of these Forums?

 

[ivymike]

Not exactly the same, but I've got a (very attractive) co-worker who told a story while at a party about how she used to love to run around naked... then complained at another party about how people kept asking her whether she was going to get naked. The second time, she painted herself as the innocent victim...

 

[ash9144]

Obviously you two have had some type of working/personal relationship for awhile. So I don't think it necessary to start threatening to go to hr and all of that.

Every time he asks just ask if his wife is going to join you. He should probably get the message.

Or just stay away from him.

 

[ivymike]

Every time he asks just ask if his wife is going to join you. He should probably get the message.

he'll get A message... not sure it'll be the right one. One answer might be "of course not, she'd get in our way!"

 

[CanuckMiner]

Not sure how going to HR is going to help, given that it is quite clear in the OP that they don't work together (anymore).

mizzjoey, it seems to me that you're worried about losing the "useful contact" if you say anything to this guy. He might react quite well to a blunt "let's just be friends", but he could also refuse to help you in the future.

Only you can gauge whether it is worth the unwanted attention in order to keep this guy as a contact, or "risk" losing the professional support that he presumably provides.

I know what I'd do, and it seems to me that you already know your appropriate course of action.

Cheers,
CanuckMiner

 

[TheTick]

"I told him every single time that I don't find the idea of looking at him in skimpy spandex particularly appealing"

I you think this is ambiguous, you are denser than Mr. Sad Senior.

The only reason he hasn't gotten the message is because he doesn't want to get the message.

 

[Unotec]

Tell him flat out. I flirt a lot (cultural part I guess) and, more often than not I do get the subtle hints, but when I don't I appreciate a falt out (but polite) "stop it"!
Now, I have no intentions other than the fun of it. They all know my wife and girls and my wife knows my ways too. But if a girl finds it uncomfortable, I appreciate the cold water bucket before screwing up a good work/friend relationship

<<A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend
will be sitting beside you saying ” Damn that was fun!” - Unknown>>

 

[casseopeia]

I will assume that you want to maintain a cordial relationship with this man. Here’s my advice, based on what I learned in a Non-violent Communication seminar. Look up NVC on Wikipedia for more detailed information.

First, give him your non-judgmental observation. “I have noticed that you keep asking me to accompany you to the pool, movies, restaurant. I interpret these as a request for a date and a more intimate relationship.” The advanced seminar would have you add at this point, "I was wondering if I have misinterpreted these requests."

Then tell him how this makes you feel. You might want to review “jackal words” before deciding what you say. “I value you as a friend, however this makes me feel uncomfortable.” A big point (for me at seminar) was not to expand too much on your feelings and never, ever justify having them.

Then express what it is that you need. “I need to feel safe when I am around others.”

Then make a request. A small note here. Telling someone to stop doing something is not a request in NVC-world. They must be allowed to make either or any choice without fear of reproach. You must ask for something that is a real OPTION for the other party. This is also the part of the training that I sucked at, but I’ll try my best.
“I was wondering if you could honor my need to be in a safe environment by not continuing to ask me to these things.”

The basis of the training is to see the other person’s side with empathy and not with judgment. He finds you attractive and sympathetic. He is willing to risk his marriage. Perhaps his home relationship is bad and he’s just looking for a pretty face to share his experiences with, etc. Perhaps his wife was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer.




"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!"

 

[vpl]

As another woman:

Use "I" words: "I feel uncomforable." "I don't like this."
Be clear: "No." "I'm not interested in a personal relationship with you." "I do not want to spend personal time with you."
Set boundaries: "I value your expertise and look forward to continued a cordial working relationship."
Set consequences: "I would hate to have to stop talking to you as I enjoy the professional interaction, but I will not tolerate further requests to spend time together. If necessary, I will inform the faculty."

Do NOT say that you want to be his friend, that you think of him as a brother or anything else that implies any sort of personal relationship.

Do NOT justify your own personal relationships. Whether you're seeing someone, married, divorced, or totally single DOES NOT MATTER!

Do NOT worry that he is lonely, socially inept, that his wife might not understand him or that you might hurt his feelings. While all of those might be true, they are NOT your problem to solve. They also unfortunately are convenient words that some people use to justify cheating (or, worse, stalking).

Be prepared to inform your lecturers if he still continues. They have an obligation to provide a safe environment.

And realizing that the majority of people reading this are male: This advice also works in the other direction.

Patricia Lougheed

Please see FAQ731-376: Eng-Tips.com Forum Policies for tips on how to make the best use of the Eng-Tips Forums.

 

[TheTick]

Star for cass simply for having a well-reasoned reply.

Still, it sounds like "how women think that men think", not how men in this state actually think. Give it a try. If Mr. Sad Senior is reasonably sane, it ought to work. If not... time for the harp seal approach.