Question for the guys .... 17

[bradpa77]

Ok this might be a little off-topic for this board, but I'm going to post it anyways.

Lets say your wife makes more money than you and you decide to have kids. She doesn't want to quit her job to be a stay at home mom. Would you quit your job as an engineer to stay home with the kids or hire a babysitter to watch them all day?

Just a quick question to soothe my curiousity.

Personally, I would stay home and be a part-time student, and get my masters and doctorate while watching the kids until they are old enough to start school. Then I would get back into an engineering job. I think I'd really enjoy the time off.

 

[boffintech]

Straight answer, not in a million years. And if she asked I'd say, "NOT going to happen."

 

[Senselessticker]

I agree with others about "her changing her mind". I've seen numerous very driven successful women do a 180 on the career/working thing once a kid came along. Heck, I know a few of them just around the corner or down the hall in the office here today. Alhough very career driven in the past...they care nothing about being at work now, and will make you aware of this fact: "if they didn't HAVE work now...they would not be here".

Back to my previous comments: Make sure you are protecting your ability to provide financial security for the family in case "she" decides she wants to be a soccer mom instead of career mom. Giving "her" the choice/ability makes "her" happy, which we all know is all that really matters ...if you intend on staying hitched that is!

 

[macmet]

I do not see anything wrong with both parents working. Both my parents worked and most families in the area were similar.

Of course I do not have kids and who knows how that would change my mind.

 

[COWBOYME]

bradpa77,

This is not a design problem per se. It is more of a reactive maintenance problem. You can predict several scenarios and prepare POSIBLE solutions but it would be unwise to commit to one over the others before you have to. e.g. say you are 6 months out. That 6 mos is not a hard deadline for this decision. As some of the others have intimated, operating parameters may not remain constant. Your wife may decide to stay home and that is not something that can be predicted. God Forbid, but your wife may need extended care and not be able to earn a living for a while.

I would keep both jobs in the time leading up to the birth and shortly afterwards to allow the system to approach equilibrium. But if your overriding priority is for one of you to remain at home, and you commit yourself to finding the solution that best fits the situation, there is no reason not to do it. Your family will be better off and happier.

BTW, I worked nights as an ET while getting my Master's. My wife and I were on the same page and worked it out together, and we're both happier now. It's not easy, but if I can do it so can you - if you want it bad enough.

 

[wes616]

Our plan is for the wife to contiue working as (an architect). 1/2 time* from home, while suplementing the weekly meetings and required field work with child care (ie grandparents)...

Several at my office have switched to second shift after children, so they can "Dad" in the mornings.

* please not the use of the term 1/2 time, in lieu of part time.

Wes C.
------------------------------
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions...

 

[jjf1]

bradpa77,

Welcome to 2006.

I am assuming from your entries that you and your spouse are in the US. If so, find yourself a decent daycare in your community and do what +90% of middle class American families do.

I find the "who is raising the children" question, ridiculous and insulting to millions (yes millions) of families. I have also found that those who have raised the question, either have no children, have already raised their families or have an unrealistice perception of today's families.

As for "staying at home a continuing your education"; good luck - sounds good in theory let us know how that works out for you.

jjf1

 

[Comcokid]

Question sounds like the setup my sister, brother-in-law, and their 4 kids have. He worked as a chemical engineer while she went to school and got a PHd in business. They then moved to a small college town in the mid-west were she became a business professor. He worked there for a time as an engineer until a lay-off. But she has been earning more, and now with a chair position and tenure - a lot more. He is free to work a part-time facilities position at their local church, and be more available for the kids. Her job require lots of time, and ocassional travel.

 

[Ashereng]

Hmm.

I think a couplf of posters said something along the lines of "you can't trust your wife to support the family", or don't put yourself in that position.

That sounds a bit chauvinistic does it not?

How many posters have a wife dependent on them to support the family?



"Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater."
Albert Einstein
Have you read FAQ731-376 to make the best use of Eng-Tips Forums?

 

[btrueblood]

My wife (ex aerospace structural engineer) could probably land a better-paying, better-benefits job than me any time she decided to go and do it. She'd rather be home taking care of the kids, at least she doesn't jump at my suggestions that I stay home & she goes back to work. I've known, and known of, a variety of strategies for raising the kids, from full "au-pairs/nannies/send 'em off to military school at 13", to mom & dad alternating every few years who stays home and who works (and the company that let them do so). Don't know that anybody's kids ended up any smarter from either approach, nor do I know any that ended up atop the local water tower sniping at passers-by. You gotta make those decisions yourselves (motivated by whatever your family's economic realities are), and live with it.

 

[corus]

The optimum solution would be for both parents to continue working and for the kids to find work too. I'd suggest something at board level for them. There's no need for any spelling aptitude as acronyms (or random letters on the keyboard) will do instead at that level. Golf may be a problem for them though if they're unable to walk at this time.

corus

 

[ornerynorsk]

It would be just the block of time I need to jump-start that ebay career !!!

 

[SWhit]

My wife stays home with our children, I have told people I wouldn't trade jobs with her on a bet, it's hard work. She loves it and wouldn't trade it for all the things we can't afford. As with other things often the ones that are harder to do are more rewarding.

 

[Quantum50]

* please not the use of the term 1/2 time, in lieu of part time.

Yeah, we all know that 1/2 time = working 80+ hrs/wk for 40hrs/wk pay.
;-)

 

[BrunoPuntzJones]

Not only would I be willing, but I've told my girlfriend that she'd better plan on supporting me while I stay at home with the kids, because she's gonna! I figure I have only a few years left until my complete mental breakdown. I'll be at home, but in reality the kids will be taking care of me.

Senselessticker,

I would never marry someone if I didn't completely trust them and also respect them. The idea that a man wouldn't want to be a stay at home dad is understandable to me--the idea that his reason would be because he doesn't want to sacrifice part of his career for his wife in case she leaves him (or he leaves her) is shocking and utterly alien to me.

And, on the issue of pursuing a degree while you have children, come on people! Plenty of people in grad school have children. I know a dozen people that raised children while in school, with the other parent also in school or working. Of course it can be done. It's just a ton of work.

 

[Senselessticker]

It suprises me greatly that more folks don't agree with the point I'm trying to make...

Let's assume the mother works and the dad stays at home for a couple years. One day the mother decides she no longer wants a career...(this happens often you know). Now you have a problem. Specifically... a financial problem. Although the dad only lost a couple years of experience, he has really lost than that when considering the potential advancement that has been missed. Assuming he can find a job...its going to take a couple of years to "ramp up" and get the career moving again. Now he is 5+ or so years behind in wages and experience.

The idea being: It is much more likely that a mother/woman will want to suddenly give up on a career than it is likely that a man/dad would want to suddenly give up on a career. The probability of financial stability within the family is greatest when the man keeps his career moving independently of the woman's choices with her career/motherhood/etc... If the man's/dad's career is stable and constantly moving forward, then the woman/mother never gets trapped into being the primary bread winner where her choices become limited.

Regardless of how quickly the American culture is changing; some traditional gender roles will always dominate. I think its due to something we call: "nature".

 

[KENAT]

Whilst it may be considered sexist and chauvinistic there may be an element of truth to what Senseless Ticker says.

There are definitely some women who once the baby comes along decide to put their career on hold, regardless of previous plans.

I suspect there are a few men that do the same though I can’t say I’ve seen it.

The thread was ‘Question for the guys’ with a title like that you’re asking for a male point of view which in many cases is likely to be deemed sexist by at least some.

Senseless Ticker may be a bit blunt for some (including me in his first post at least) but that doesn’t mean there isn’t truth in what he says.

Please note if certain female acquaintances of mine saw this I would disavow all knowledge and say someone must have hacked my account!;-)

 

[AEH3]

Senselessticker,

So the dad/man lost a bit of ground professionally and financially. But he got to spend a few precious years with his kids - could this perhaps be worth it? I bet you the kids would think so.

As this thread points out, there are many different options to working/working part time/school/not working while raising kids. Not one solution fits everyone. It is up to the parents to decide what works best for them (what they can live with and maybe live without!)


AEH

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sounds like a few nerves have been touched, healthy for the forums I guess.

To answer the OP: Yes. I understand the time demands of children but I would not at all mind the stay-at-home dad routine. Brush up on the (cooking) skills, artfully manage (home) finances, deal with (baby product) vendors, design, prototype, and build the perfect jungle gym....
How is this not like what I do now? With the bonus of little me-clones running around!

 

[bradpa77]

So the dad/man lost a bit of ground professionally and financially. But he got to spend a few precious years with his kids - could this perhaps be worth it? I bet you the kids would think so.

Amen to that. I gave you a star for that quote. I'm actually a little suprised to hear of how many of the guys are not willing to sacrifice a bit of career to have a richer family life and a few years at home with the kids. In my opinion, family comes before career. Of course, survival of the family must be met so here is where the tension and conflict lies.

 

[bradpa77]

I would never marry someone if I didn't completely trust them and also respect them. The idea that a man wouldn't want to be a stay at home dad is understandable to me--the idea that his reason would be because he doesn't want to sacrifice part of his career for his wife in case she leaves him (or he leaves her) is shocking and utterly alien to me.

This is totally alien to me too. I have enough trust and faith in my wife to support me. I wouldn't have married her if I didn't have that level of trust in her. I see what people are saying about mother's changing their minds and wanting to stay home with the kids but I don't think it's a relevant arguement if you have a resposible wife. I'm confident that my wife would stick around in her job until I could find employment of my own so we could swap roles with no financial disaster done to the family. I would have no problem in her changing her mind either. I'm easy going. I could find happiness and security in either role. So if she changed her mind even after 3 months, I'd be cool with it. Whatever.