Work Life Balance (update) 5

[peterso2]

Hi All,
I was going to reply to a older thread I created that had a great deal of comments about my situation.

http://www.eng-tips.com/viewthread.cfm?qid=270677

In the last 4 years - I have taken on a new job that has moved me out into an apartment on my own and into a new city about 3 hours from where I grew up. Things are pretty positive living on my own for 2 years now. However, I'm faced with some tough decisions. I currently have few friends here - still struggling for that aspect. However I am wondering what to do with housing. I have lived in the apartment for 2 years and I'm looking for something different.

Option # 1 - Find Small House to Rent
Option # 2 - Purchase House
Option # 3 - Rent different apartment
Option # 4 - Find new Job / Town - stay put until this happens

I am wondering what option I should do? This job I am at is pretty easy, I get to travel alot, however I am in Dubuque IA which is a smaller town. I am struggling getting adjusted - and I feel like if you were never a local here its hard to get integrated. I've been traveling home a lot to visit family and old friends and I feel that hasn't helped the progress either. The dating sites Okcupid and POF both have been a bust, I'm tempted to try Match.com. The problem is the pool of girls around here isn't the largest.

I'm looking for some thoughts on what I should do? I am leaning towards Option #2. I just spoke to a Realtor. The friends problem I believe is going to follow me anywhere, even if I do move to a much larger town. The key from last thread was to get active, and I've just found it unable to get into these groups. It's difficult to find places to sign up for these events, and everyone from work is married and keeps to themselves. It's just frustrating. Nobody asks about things to do and I always have to keep making the effort. I often find myself at the bars on the weekends - and we all know how those are - unproductive. I think the current apartment complex is holding me back - its not easy to get outside and I feel trapped in here.

So...going on 30 years old and I hate to reference this, but you see everyone else and you are like? Wow I'm miles behind them. Granted, my life is stable, but without any human interaction what good is that? You need a emotional release at somepoint or you'll go nuts.


Thanks for listening
Jason

 

[IRstuff]

re: friends -- I'd have to agree that it's at least partly you. I used know someone who could be dropped anywhere and she'd make a friend within hours; but she was single then, too.

As for activities: clubs, classes, church?

TTFN
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[PeacefulKancer]

Jason-
32 yr old here in a huge sprawling city we call Phoenix. To be honest, friends, especially good ones, are extremely hard to find anywhere you go - small town or big city.

I was once told that at any given time of your life you will have only 5 people in your life that truly care for you and you can interact with - the rest are just bystanders. Point of this is that you have to find those 5 people and spend time developing the relationship with them and quit spending time with others who don't want to invest time in you. This goes for friends and intimate relationships. Furthermore, these 5 people change throughout your life and could be friends, family, co-workers, etc. Right now two of my 5 are my brother and my mother.

What is your main struggle? Finding relationships or deciding how to be fulfilled at your job at your current location?

I think I understand you because I've often felt the same. I don't have many friends - a point I've often complained about. I do have a relationship but it has it's issues. Everyone at work keeps to themselves. If I do go out, I have to plan all the logistics or it doesn't happen. Heck, sometimes when I look around on, say, Linkedin, I too feel like I'm "behind" in the business world.

But honestly, are you really behind? Is everyone really happy with their friends/social life? Or do we just see what we want to see?

I guess one question to ask yourself is why am I comparing myself to others? Shouldn't the only criteria for happiness be if you are happy? So what if Joey down the street has a house, 2 kids, and never goes outside? If that makes him happy, then awesome. What makes you happy? Take a guess and try it.

Trying whatever you decide won't be pleasant. I've done the whole online-dating thing in the past and I've concluded that it is generally for the birds. In general it is too superficial. You are better off just finding what you like to do and doing it - cliche, but in doing so something/someone will eventually come along. People are busy and generally aren't looking out to make sure your needs are met. I went out to the bar and clubs by myself frequently. Sometimes I talked to people and other times I just sat there. Over time I met people here and there just by saying hello here and there. Not that any of them really ever became in that "special 5" that I mentioned above but they were people who met a need at that time.

Anyways, I'm rambling!

 

[FlashSet]

Why buy a house somewhere that you are unhappy. Start looking for a job in a new location, maybe a bigger cutter. Chicago and Minneapolis aren't 'too' far away.

 

[IRstuff]

Peoples' frontal cortexes are fully developed until their mid to late 20s, so until then big decisions such as marriage are potentially suspect. Given that, being in your 30s without the encumbrances of a wrong marriage is probably an excellent deal.

TTFN
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Need help writing a question or understanding a reply? forum1529

Of course I can. I can do anything. I can do absolutely anything. I'm an expert!

 

[truckandbus]

Afriend of mine was in a similar situation when he started working. His solution was to pull together the other 'outsiders' in his age group not only within his company but also at other local companies (used school alumni contacts at these other companies) and coordinate volleyball games, pool tournements, etc. It took a lot for him to do this - he wasn't the most outgoing guy in school.

 

[SLTA]

Jason,

First off, Good for you for making some positive changes. Yes, get yourself to another apartment - ask around where the more active places are. Go visit several on a pretty weekend day and see who's out and about.

Consider seeing a counselor. And don't take that as a statement that you're nuts, because it's not meant that way at all. A counselor could help you find some ways to be happier with where you are in life, now.

I totally get the no-one-asking-at-work thing. That sucks, to not feel welcome and included. If it doesn't wear you down, keep being the one that asks others - you could be the only person asking them, and making them feel included.

Go join a basketball team, or the like, to get you together with a group of people that have to talk to you. Church choir. Habitat job site. Humane society volunteer. Something.

Good luck.

Please remember: we're not all guys!

 

[Dievant]

Get a puppy if you like dogs. Not only does it give you a companion, it gives you a topic starter and gets people coming up to talk to you. Also there tends to be a lot of great events for dogs depending on your area. This more than likely would also include a move since a lot of apartments don't allow dogs.

As for the whole dating site side of things, don't force it, I know many people myself included that have met people on the exact sites you've listed, just make sure your message relays to them that you have read their profile, ask them a question about one of their hobbies or interests. Remember girls on dating sites get around 20 messages a day if not more, make yours stand out.

 

[swertel]

PeacefulKancer,

If you weren't an electrical engineer, I'd say we have something in common and should start an local eng-tips networking get together for the Phoenix-Metro area. But, since you do that other type of engineering, and you probably live on the other side of The Valley, I don't think we can be friends.

(By the way, I still have room in my 5. What you say is quite accurate.)

--Scott
www.wertel.pro

 

[oldestguy]

Check to see if Platteville U. has a Folk Dance club or a group of contra dancers. There is one out of Madison. These groups will take any age, not necessarily just students. How about an outing club or a paddling club? In Madison they cover lots of areas, not limited to Wisconsin waters, generally weekends. Check the stores that sell such gear for leads. Swinging singles? I met both my wives via these types of groups.

 

[TheTick]

I was introduced to my wife by a fishing buddy I met when I moved in with a band-mate who took me in when I lost my lease due to taking in a stray dog.

Find your true love by doing what you truly love.

 

[zeusfaber]

Find your true love by doing what you truly love.

That sounds like a good idea. Far more likely to find the right person - and far more likely to look relaxed, happy (and therefore comfortable to want to spend time with).

A.

 

[ewh]

Find out if there are any Meetup.com groups in the area. It is a very good way to get out and meet people with common interests, as well as ocassionally getting out of your comfort zone.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

“Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.”
-Dalai Lama XIV

 

[Compositepro]

Peterso2, it really sounds like you are suffering from mild log-term depression. Just reading your post is depressing. Get medical help. No one wants to be around a depressed person.

 

[rotw]

The problem is that when he will meet and make new friends, his job will immediately turn out unstable...so in my view just continue without friends and keep your job stable...

"If you want to acquire a knowledge or skill, read a book and practice the skill".

 

[urgross]

Compositepro might be on to something. Maybe you could get a doctor to sign a prescription for medical marijuana and you might meet all kinds of new people.

 

[81buckeye]

Jason, of the 4 options you list, only #4 makes any sense. Moving will just consume time for you that would be better spent getting out there and meeting people. Get involved in anything local: church, habitat for humanity, volunteer organizations, anything that puts you in a group of people. Sooner or later you'll meet some friends. This will be a process you have to go through anywhere you live as a single person.

It does sound like you are unhappy in your current town. Buying a house would just compound things. Your job is "easy" but does it make you feel alive? Does it excite you? Do you wish you could keep working instead of going home each day? These are important questions. Not everyone can have that ideal/perfect job but if you are not growing in knowledge of some kind, work will become a chore. I've been there. I might suggest you look at

http://www.strengthsfinder.com

and really assess who you are, what makes you tick, and try to align your job/career and city of choice with who you are. Best of luck.

 

[gfdoug]

I just moved cities myself. This will be the 3rd time in 5 years, so I'd like to think I've gotten pretty good at it. The key to enjoying any place is determining what makes YOU happy and meeting the right people. You seem to be striving to find some social connections - so I'm going to assume that's what will help make you happy. You can move to a new town / city, but that won't change the fact that you are struggling to make social connections. Meeting new people comes with a change of lifestyle, not a change of location.

What do I suggest? Do things that are out of your comfort zone and something different every week. Try something new. Join new social groups and meet different people that are doing things that you ENJOY. Eventually one of them (or more) will stick from each new group and you will have more and more to do. Expanding your social circle is a lot like finding jobs, you aren't going to find one sitting on your couch, you need to get out there a NOT connect about 100 times before you get an interview, then you need to do a few interviews until you find a job prospect. Get out there and make connections.

As far as buying a home... I wouldn't. You aren't changing anything by doing this except making yourself feel like you are more 'progressed' in life. Take the money you were going to use for a downpayment, research some low index cost mutual funds and throw it in there. Then if you want to move down the road, you can do it!

You don't have to make the same life decisions as everyone else to be 'further along' in life. Do it your own way and blaze your own trail. You can still be successful AND different.

-G

 

[priyam07]

I have moved quite frequently say every 3-4 years and feel your situation. It's right any place is only as good as the people are, if you have the "5 people" in your life where ever you are life will be much better and you will be happy. But, it is just not that easy and as I moved for jobs all around I miss some old friends when I move and never found someone like that in the new place. It is on us to make those 5 people no one is helping there sadly. Having said that it all depends on who we bump into, may be you will meet someone who will introduce you to their beautiful network and there you go life is never the same. Just don't give up and do something you will regret later. Cheers!

 

[rotw]

who are the 5 people ?

"If you want to acquire a knowledge or skill, read a book and practice the skill".